Monday, January 16, 2012

The monster in my kitchen sink

When Aimee died, her body was taken to the Medical Examiner's office for an autopsy. They take possession of whatever is on her person at that time (clothes, jewelry, etc). All she had on was a wetsuit and her swimsuit underneath. No jewelry (including the still-missing wedding ring) or anything else. When they perform an autopsy, they cut off any clothing and it gets returned with any other personal effects. In this case, that meant that they sent Aimee's swimsuit and the wetsuit back to the funeral home here in Federal Way, and they turned them over to me. Since I got them last month, they've been wrapped in plastic and in a bag in the trunk of my car. I brought that bag into the house today, and set it in the kitchen sink.

Aimee's swimsuit & wetsuit are in this bag.
The paper to the left is an inventory
list from the 
ME's office,
(If you're wondering why I put it there, there's two reasons. First, I was bringing in groceries, so I was making trips to the kitchen. And although the suits are wrapped in plastic, I could tell by the weight that they're still wet.)

After putting groceries away, and with Rowan occupied in the living room, I gingerly began to open the bag. Part of me just wanted to to just throw the whole thing in the garbage, but there was something I had no know: Were there pockets in the wetsuit where she might have put her wedding ring? And besides, there's something about the fact that she was wearing those when she died that made it seem somehow wrong to just toss them into the garbage.

Problem is, other than opening the bag and just kind if pushing the wetsuit around for a second, I couldn't bring myself to look any further. It was as if the bag contained a monster, and I dare not proceed for fear of being devoured by it.

So it's still sitting in my kitchen sink. A monster is sitting in my kitchen sink.

At least it's no longer lurking in the trunk of my car. I mean, it was further away then, and less likely to hurt me from there, but the fact is I have to deal with it. Just like I have to deal with the rest of the monsters around here. Creating the memory box for Rowan. Packing up and storing Aimee's clothes (until I give them away). Taking her name off of the mortgage and bank account. Changing my will and life insurance policy. And filing a claim for her policy (I REALLY need to get that done, but still haven't). There are monsters all around me, and I need to deal with them.

Before they devour me.


  1. Deal with them at your own pace, Pat. You're not going to be devoured by them. You have a loving God that has this all planned out. Just walk in that knowledge and know that He's got you covered. Steady as she goes, bro. Steady as she goes.

  2. Pat, my prayers are with you.....God has his mighty arm around you right now, he is watching over you and Rowan, lean on him put everything in his hands, he will not give you more then you can handle right now.

  3. Pat, you are afraid of the grief. That is the power of the monster. I often wondered just how much pain I could actually stand and if it would kill me or just make life completely unbearable. I came very close to that and the only thing that gave me balance was my girls. I had monsters as well and what I could, I put off looking at, until time had passed and I was stronger.

    un fuerte abrazo