Tuesday, May 15, 2012

I make a lousy mommy

I am not the only single father in the world. I wonder how well some of the others are faring? Do they figure out how to get their act together? Plan and prepare meals, clean the house, come up with fun, safe, and educational activities for the kid(s)? Get everyone fed, bathed, clothed and to school on time?

I may get there someday, but I'm not there yet.

Just in the last few days alone, look at some of my mishaps:

  • One day last week I forgot to feed Rowan before school (luckily she barely eats in the morning anyway, and they have snack time in the mornings at school)
  • For the second time in three days, I started to make French Toast only to realize I was out of eggs. Understandable the first time, but not so much the second.
  • I took Rowan to the park on a very warm, sunny day. Despite being reminded by my own mother to bring sunscreen (Rowan has very pale skin), I forgot it. Fortunately I DID remember it only a few blocks from home, and went back and got it. But if mom hadn't reminded me to begin with, I'd probably have forgotten it altogether.
  • When we arrived at the park, I realized how woefully under-prepared I was compared to other families. They had folding chairs to sit on (I own them, but didn't think to bring them), coolers with snacks, toys, etc. I brought one towel (they have water features for the kids to play in) and a bucket. I have all the other stuff, I just didn't think to bring it.
But it's bigger than that. I was in Costco and saw Q-Tips. And suddenly I realized I had NEVER cleaned out Rowan's ears. It's amazing she can hear anything at all.

Before Aimee's accident I would sometimes get Rowan dressed. There were times it was an adventure for me to figure out which clothes matched, but typically I did alright. But now that I am responsible for her hair too? I brush it in the morning, and by the time we get to the car, it looks like it did when she got out of bed. Once in a great while I'll actually manage to get a barrette in her hair to STAY there for more than 30 seconds. Hair/head bands? She's not having any of that, and I know part of the reason (or all) is because I can't put one on her head without pulling half of her hair out.

Should we even talk about how often Rowan gets a bath? Or her nails clipped? Or how overdue that child is for a haircut (I swear, I am taking her this weekend)? Nah, I'm already feeling inadequate enough.

"Hello, Domino's? Yeah, it's Pat
again. I'll take the usual."
Well, unless we talk about meals, and then I feel even worse. It doesn't help that Aimee took great pride in meal planning and preparing. She mapped out meals for the week based on foods that would give us a wide variety of things to eat, were of high nutritional value (she forced me to eat veggies), and well balanced. I don't have the time, energy, or creativity for that. I buy frozen or pre-prepared meals you can throw in the oven. And I feel really guilty for that, because I know how important good nutrition is for growing children and guys approaching middle age who really like their sweets and don't get enough exercise.

Speaking of food and trips to Costco, I was there late last week shopping and suddenly was hit with this overwhelming sadness. I was struggling to find meal options that I felt decent about and was just hit with how much I missed Aimee. Her efforts at meal planing were just one of a thousand ways her deep love for us manifested itself in a tangible way. She showed us how deeply she cared for us in so many things she did for us, and those constant expressions of love from her is something I miss so terribly now. 

Anyway, I know that the most important thing I bring to the table as a parent is to make sure Rowan knows I love her, and I'm confident I'm doing that well, if nothing else. But I so much want for Rowan to have more than just my love. I don't need to be the male version of Martha Stewart. But I would like to have my act together well enough to make sure her ears are cleaned out.


14 comments:

  1. A lady I work with was frantically talking on her cell phone today and when she hung up she told me that her husband had dropped their daughter off at daycare today and forgot to leave any bottles! She was on her way out the door to run home and get bottles made to take over to the daycare before coming back to work.

    As men, we ARE inadequate for many of these things. But somehow our children still love us and somehow we are able to contribute and keep them healthy and active and growing.

    Your tasks are compounded because you are doing them as a single parent. But I also believe that your daughter will one day realize how much love you had for her in ways that children with two parents can never know.

    Everything is much more intense because of what you've been through and that includes the depth of your love for one another. And that love will see you both through.

    You're a great Papa, Pat!

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    1. Thanks Steve. Rowan and I do have a fantastic relationship right now. It's just that like any decent parent, I want to do the absolute best for her, even though I know that the most important stuff is my love.

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  2. Oh Pat! It is a struggle to do all those things for our kids. As a mom I may seem to have it more together but if you ask Sam he'd tell you how many times I cry, overwhelmed because not only do I have a huge list accomplish but Jonathan hasn't showered in a week or more because I forgot to send him up to do it. Guilt is often part of being a mom. Something most dads don't experience. If you're feeling guilty you're most likely doing a great job in all the ways that matter.

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    1. Thanks Serena. I think most dads usually have it a lot easier because most moms do this stuff so well (even when they think they're not). I'm sure I'll always feel some degree of guilt over a LOT of things related to raising Rowan. But I don't have to like it. :)

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  3. You're a great father!! The fact that you worry about getting these things done is more than some parents do. So what if her ears are clogged and her nails are a little long, her smile is what really matters.

    PS... Martha has a horrible relationship with her kids so I wouldn't worry about living up to her. ;o)

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    1. Thanks for the comment about Martha and her kids,. That's encouraging. ;)

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  4. Pat, I was a single mother for several years and let me tell you, I was an inadiquant father to my daughter. No one person is able to portray both mother and father perfectly. Errors will be made, and things will be forgotten. Your beautiful little girl doesn't see it that way. She loves you and knows you're doing your best and trying hard. Don't be hard on yourself, nobody is perfect, we aren't supposed to be.

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    1. Funny. When I read that you felt like you were an inadequate father, my first reaction was, 'Of course you were - you're supposed to be her mommy, not her daddy.' Then I realized that I was doing the exact same thing - expecting myself to try and be the other parent. I guess for me it boils down to a certain prejudice that I have: children should have both parents, but if that's not an option, they need mommy more than daddy. I don't know if that's correct, it's just how I react in my gut. Since Rowan doesn't have her mommy, I keep trying to be both to her.

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  5. forget about all the details... forget her ears, forget her hair, forget her fingernails. don't worry about perfect meal planning, or about matching outfits. all that will come with time. try to remember that even moms don't have it all together either... many times we feel like we don't measure up, or like fail our kids.

    rowan lost her beautiful mommy, but you lost your precious bride. you're giving rowan your very best, and that's all anyone could ask or expect. heck, the fact that you can get up each and every day is huge (in a similar situation, i don't think i could do that)!

    you love and adore rowan... that's all she needs right now - all other things will come as time goes by. try to give yourself the same daily grace that our Father gives each of us... and call Dominos - after all, pizza is 1 of the 4 basic food groups!

    God bless you pat, and hang in there. you're doing a FABULOUS job!!

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    1. I KNOW you're right, but that doesn't always keep me form feeling like I can and should be doing better.

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  6. The fact that you even know you are missing details is an amazing accomplishment for a dad. You are doing GREAT Pat!

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    1. Thanks. I know not much is expected of us men. ;)

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  7. As everyone has said, you're doing a great job Pat! And since I'm a mommy, I thought you'd like to know that everything on your checklist is frequently on mine. Clean ears, a bath and clipped fingernails?! Sometimes it's just too much to handle! :-) What matters most, as you said, is that Rowan feels loved. Everything else is just "fluff". When she's grown, she's not going to remember if you made meal plans with all the right organic ingredients - she's going to remember ordering in pizza after an exciting day at the park with her daddy and smile.

    And not to make this into a an uber religious analysis, but I do believe the devil likes to get in our head and point out all our inadequacies, especially in comparison to others. I struggle with this, at some times much more than others. Stay focused on the love you guys do have and the wonderful job you are doing and try not to listen to those lies...

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    1. Thanks so much for the sweet encouragement. And inside, I know you're right. It's just keeping it in mind all te time that gets difficult.

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