Going through the motions

Common activities in the Rhoads household prior to December 18:

• Cleaning the house
• Working in the yard
• Playing with Rowan (reading, coloring, tea parties, etc)
• Taking the dog to the park
• Going for walks around the neighborhood
• Planning fun things to do on weekends or for vacations

  

Common activities in the Rhoads household after December 18:

• Cleaning the house
• Working in the yard
• Playing with Rowan (reading, coloring, tea parties, etc)
• Taking the dog to the park
• Going for walks around the neighborhood
• Planning fun things to do on weekends or for vacations

Yeah, the two lists are exactly the same. In other words, we do the same stuff. Much of it is required, like cleaning, laundry, etc. Some of it is slightly less necessary, like the extent to which I play with Rowan or take the dog to the park. But all in all, the tasks I undertake or the things we do as a family have not significantly changed since Aimee's death.

What has changed is that now I often feel like I'm just going through the motions.

Don't get me wrong, I want to do all this stuff well. No, not necessarily cooking and cleaning. The raising a child and creating a great, nurturing home stuff, that part I want to do well. But while I love and adore my little girl with all my heart, the tasks themselves I approach with a lot less energy and joy than I used to.

I'm not supposed to be doing them alone, and I miss my partner terribly.

Sunday night Rowan and I went for a short walk in our neighborhood. As we neared the end, she ran ahead toward the house and I watched her running and thought, "this feels so empty, so devoid of the tranquil peace and comfort that activities like this had when our family was whole." You see, there was this wholesomeness to our lives, and almost idyllic quality to our family life. Husband and wife love each other dearly, work hard to make a happy home. They have a child who they also love dearly, and work hard to be great parents. Trials come their way - unemployment, death of a parent - but they pull together, support each other, and get through things with lots of faith and lots of love. Sounds like a 50's sitcom, doesn't it? Well, in a lot of ways, that was our life.

Until December 18.

I'm still trying to create the happy home for Rowan, trying to keep her life as stable, secure, and loving as I can. But for so many things I do, I feel like I'm going through the motions.