Everything is my life now is viewed through a lens of grief - a filter that makes everything a little darker, and takes away at least some of the joy. Activities that used to be amazingly fun are now just a way to slightly brighten a day filled with feelings of loss and sadness. But don't get me wrong - those mood lifts are very important. And, I am determined to model for Rowan a sense that even in the midst of huge loss, life goes on and can have joy and fun in it.
Even if I don't actually feel much joy or have a lot of fun.
Today was Rowan's preschool's Spring Fair. It's a day filled with games and activities, and it's their biggest fundraiser of the year. It started at 11, so Rowan and I slept in, had waffles for breakfast, and got ready at a nice, easy pace. The weather was perfect, and the fair itself was fun. I even won tickets to the Seattle Children's Theater in the raffle.
Afterwards we spent some time playing at home, then I got the lawn mowed, a load of laundry done, and a host of other projects that contributed to much needed progress on getting my house in order. Finally, our neighbor invited us over for some BBQ and fun with a couple of other parents and their kids, completing the day-long process of thoroughly tuckering Rowan out. Once I got her in bed, I sat down with a drink and my laptop to write this post. I got a lot of stuff accomplished today, and Rowan had a lot of fun.
It was a good day.
Yes, I felt sadness that hit me MANY times, especially at the Spring Fair, as I imagined Aimee running around doing stuff with Rowan. I remembered that sweet energy she brought to things like this where she mingled with other moms and made friends and guided Rowan through activity after activity making sure she had fun while behaving herself. I bumbled through it fine, Rowan still had fun and behaved herslf, but Aimee did it with such grace and sweetness I simply don't have. I missed her a lot.
I also missed her at dinner (I often do), and missed her seeing all that I'd gotten done. She'd have said something incredibly sweet to show her appreciation, and I most likely would have been rewarded with a big hug and a kiss (yeah, I miss those too!).
So yeah, today was a good day, in my new normal. I sure do miss Aimee like crazy on days like this. But it IS possible to have something approaching a good day in this new life.
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