Fine, then a wave of fury

Sunday was my and Aimee's sixth wedding anniversary (or would have been). Donna took Rowan the day before and kept her through Monday morning, taking her to school for me. It was a really nice gesture on her part, and before I get to my experience of the day, I just need to say what an incredible help she's been despite her own tremendous grief.

My beautiful girls

So Sunday morning I woke up and decided to spend the day just enjoying a quiet introspective day in Seattle. I visited the Fremont Market. I went to lunch and a couple of other parks. Then I came home, got the dog and took her to the park, then went out to dinner. It was really a nice day, devoid of any overly strong emotions. I even called my mom, who I knew was concerned for me, and told her that I was doing pretty well, all things considered.

About 8pm I started writing another post for this blog (which has since been deleted), when I suddenly just snapped. I don't know exactly what triggered it, but all of the sudden a rush of fury hit me so hard I felt blinded and started to lift my laptop in the air and smash it into the ground before I realized what I was about to do and set it down instead. Then I just started screaming, at one point yelling "WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME???" I don't know if I was talking to God or what, but I suddenly felt betrayed and furious and hurt and alone and scared. Then I started sobbing uncontrollably (I say uncontrollably because up to this point, I was always able to get myself under control pretty quickly when I'd cry - I HATE crying). I eventually calmed down, but found myself in the most morose depression I'd felt since the first few weeks after Aimee's death. And it hasn't really gone away, although spending time with Rowan Monday evening offered some respite. (I note with irony that it was just a few days ago in another post I said something about having not really been very angry since Aimee's death. Ha.)

I am big about justice. What is wrong must somehow be made right. That's why I work for nonprofits - I try to be a part of solutions for those who have somehow been wronged in life. But there's no making this right, not in this life. No matter what may or may not happen from a legal standpoint, there's no fixing this loss. No scenario where Rowan gets her mommy back or I get my lovely wife. No circumstances through which Donna gets her daughter, Justin his sister, or Aimee's many other friends, clients, etc get back what they've all lost. No matter what else happens in life, we have to go through this pain and loss.

And that makes me very, very angry.


PS. I saw my therapist on Monday afternoon, and one of the things we talked about is this blog, and why I write it. I'll share with you what I shared with her. It helps me immensely. I need this outlet, through writing, to help me through this. And the public nature of it helps me feel like I'm less alone in my pain. Additionally, I have heard from others how helpful this is to THEM, and that has become part of what drives me to share things that are VERY hard for me to share (like this post). Sharing things like that I was screaming and crying is exactly opposite my typical nature, but I believe that honest vulnerability is the only thing that will help me or anyone else reading it. No matter how hard it is sometimes.