I make a lousy mommy

I am not the only single father in the world. I wonder how well some of the others are faring? Do they figure out how to get their act together? Plan and prepare meals, clean the house, come up with fun, safe, and educational activities for the kid(s)? Get everyone fed, bathed, clothed and to school on time?

I may get there someday, but I'm not there yet.

Just in the last few days alone, look at some of my mishaps:

• One day last week I forgot to feed Rowan before school (luckily she barely eats in the morning anyway, and they have snack time in the mornings at school)
• For the second time in three days, I started to make French Toast only to realize I was out of eggs. Understandable the first time, but not so much the second.
• I took Rowan to the park on a very warm, sunny day. Despite being reminded by my own mother to bring sunscreen (Rowan has very pale skin), I forgot it. Fortunately I DID remember it only a few blocks from home, and went back and got it. But if mom hadn't reminded me to begin with, I'd probably have forgotten it altogether.
• When we arrived at the park, I realized how woefully under-prepared I was compared to other families. They had folding chairs to sit on (I own them, but didn't think to bring them), coolers with snacks, toys, etc. I brought one towel (they have water features for the kids to play in) and a bucket. I have all the other stuff, I just didn't think to bring it.

But it's bigger than that. I was in Costco and saw Q-Tips. And suddenly I realized I had NEVER cleaned out Rowan's ears. It's amazing she can hear anything at all.

Before Aimee's accident I would sometimes get Rowan dressed. There were times it was an adventure for me to figure out which clothes matched, but typically I did alright. But now that I am responsible for her hair too? I brush it in the morning, and by the time we get to the car, it looks like it did when she got out of bed. Once in a great while I'll actually manage to get a barrette in her hair to STAY there for more than 30 seconds. Hair/head bands? She's not having any of that, and I know part of the reason (or all) is because I can't put one on her head without pulling half of her hair out.

Should we even talk about how often Rowan gets a bath? Or her nails clipped? Or how overdue that child is for a haircut (I swear, I am taking her this weekend)? Nah, I'm already feeling inadequate enough.

"Hello, Domino's? Yeah, it's Pat
again. I'll take the usual."

Well, unless we talk about meals, and then I feel even worse. It doesn't help that Aimee took great pride in meal planning and preparing. She mapped out meals for the week based on foods that would give us a wide variety of things to eat, were of high nutritional value (she forced me to eat veggies), and well balanced. I don't have the time, energy, or creativity for that. I buy frozen or pre-prepared meals you can throw in the oven. And I feel really guilty for that, because I know how important good nutrition is for growing children and guys approaching middle age who really like their sweets and don't get enough exercise.

Speaking of food and trips to Costco, I was there late last week shopping and suddenly was hit with this overwhelming sadness. I was struggling to find meal options that I felt decent about and was just hit with how much I missed Aimee. Her efforts at meal planing were just one of a thousand ways her deep love for us manifested itself in a tangible way. She showed us how deeply she cared for us in so many things she did for us, and those constant expressions of love from her is something I miss so terribly now. 

Anyway, I know that the most important thing I bring to the table as a parent is to make sure Rowan knows I love her, and I'm confident I'm doing that well, if nothing else. But I so much want for Rowan to have more than just my love. I don't need to be the male version of Martha Stewart. But I would like to have my act together well enough to make sure her ears are cleaned out.