Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Fine, then a wave of fury

Sunday was my and Aimee's sixth wedding anniversary (or would have been). Donna took Rowan the day before and kept her through Monday morning, taking her to school for me. It was a really nice gesture on her part, and before I get to my experience of the day, I just need to say what an incredible help she's been despite her own tremendous grief.

My beautiful girls
So Sunday morning I woke up and decided to spend the day just enjoying a quiet introspective day in Seattle. I visited the Fremont Market. I went to lunch and a couple of other parks. Then I came home, got the dog and took her to the park, then went out to dinner. It was really a nice day, devoid of any overly strong emotions. I even called my mom, who I knew was concerned for me, and told her that I was doing pretty well, all things considered.

About 8pm I started writing another post for this blog (which has since been deleted), when I suddenly just snapped. I don't know exactly what triggered it, but all of the sudden a rush of fury hit me so hard I felt blinded and started to lift my laptop in the air and smash it into the ground before I realized what I was about to do and set it down instead. Then I just started screaming, at one point yelling "WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME???" I don't know if I was talking to God or what, but I suddenly felt betrayed and furious and hurt and alone and scared. Then I started sobbing uncontrollably (I say uncontrollably because up to this point, I was always able to get myself under control pretty quickly when I'd cry - I HATE crying). I eventually calmed down, but found myself in the most morose depression I'd felt since the first few weeks after Aimee's death. And it hasn't really gone away, although spending time with Rowan Monday evening offered some respite. (I note with irony that it was just a few days ago in another post I said something about having not really been very angry since Aimee's death. Ha.)

I am big about justice. What is wrong must somehow be made right. That's why I work for nonprofits - I try to be a part of solutions for those who have somehow been wronged in life. But there's no making this right, not in this life. No matter what may or may not happen from a legal standpoint, there's no fixing this loss. No scenario where Rowan gets her mommy back or I get my lovely wife. No circumstances through which Donna gets her daughter, Justin his sister, or Aimee's many other friends, clients, etc get back what they've all lost. No matter what else happens in life, we have to go through this pain and loss.

And that makes me very, very angry.


PS. I saw my therapist on Monday afternoon, and one of the things we talked about is this blog, and why I write it. I'll share with you what I shared with her. It helps me immensely. I need this outlet, through writing, to help me through this. And the public nature of it helps me feel like I'm less alone in my pain. Additionally, I have heard from others how helpful this is to THEM, and that has become part of what drives me to share things that are VERY hard for me to share (like this post). Sharing things like that I was screaming and crying is exactly opposite my typical nature, but I believe that honest vulnerability is the only thing that will help me or anyone else reading it. No matter how hard it is sometimes.

10 comments:

  1. Pat, Sunday we went to church and you and Rowan were on my mind all day. I prayed for you both and kind of lost track what the sermon was about. I hope you feel the dozens (hundreds?) of people praying you through this loss as you move forward.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much for the prayers. Tis has been the toughest week I've had since the immediate aftermath of Aimee's death. At least I knew it was coming and didn't get caught off guard, and I was so glad that Rowan was at grandma's. Anyway, your prayers are most definitely appreciated (and needed). Thanks again.

      Delete
  2. Pat dear one,
    You will get through this.
    There will be joy and peace again. You cannot know the reasons for the pain in this life but you can know that Aimee is in a place where she is complete, happy, fulfilled and loved in ways that we can only imagine.
    You will get through this and it will get easier.
    I'm not sure your laptop will make it tho...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. :) Don't worry... my laptop will survive. I hate breaking expensive stuff.

      Delete
  3. Thank you for the courage to share your honesty and vulnerability. I imagine every person, somehow connected to you and Aimee, is behind you through these darkest hours.
    Blessings,
    ~Kim

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks. It sure isn't easy to share a lot of this stuff, but for some reason I just feel like I have to.

      Delete
  4. I too thank you for the courage, the honesty and vulnerability you are sharing. I think it is good to get angry at God, to question the whys, to scream at Him (or whoever is listening). Knowing the outcome will not change, it is still good to tell God about it. (Even though HE already knows what you are feeling and going through) God has big shoulders and can take it. HE is there for you during the dark times and will guide you, although it won't happen on your time table. It is all in His time. This is the hardest part to accept; knowing that in time the hurt will fade some but you will never forget the love you had (and still do from your family, friends and above all the love from ABOVE).

    Praying daily for you.
    Blessings,
    Carol

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Carol. I do know that God can not only handle it, but He wants us to come to Him in our pain. And I try to. But sometimes it's like going to the parent you're mad at because they punished you to comfort you for being mad about it (not saying I'm being punished, just looking for an analogy).

      Delete
  5. It has been only 63 days since my husband of 39 yrs was killed in the 3/2 tornado in Holton IN. I haven't had the moment of rage yet. I know that life will NEVER be the same & there is NOTHING that can fix this. Faith, memories and the love of family & friends has gotten me this far & is what will get me through. I think of you, Rowan, Donna, Justin & Caroline daily.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sheryle, I am so sorry to say that it most probably will come. I guess it's just a natural part of the process. After all, why wouldn't we be angry about suffering what really is an unfair and terribly huge loss? And in my case, I was only married to Aimee for 5 1/2 years compared to the 39 you were married to your husband.

      Delete