The First Sign of Hope (a post from Justin)

This post is from Aimee's brother, Justin.

Rowan on a hike this past summer

I've been meaning to write a post for Pat's blog for a few weeks but haven't yet found the courage to share what I feel.  Frankly, the loss of my sister has so greatly dimmed the luster of the world for me that I didn't have anything positive to say.  As Pat told me yesterday, Aimee was the glue that held us together, and the grease to keep all the parts working.  The thought of going through the rest of my life without my sister is numbing, and it's a travesty to Rowan and to my future children that they won't have Aimee to smile and hug and love them.

But last night I glimpsed the first sign of hope since Aimee was killed.  Pat let Rowan have a "slumber party" over at my mother's house.  They spread out a blanket in front of the fireplace and roasted marshmellows.  They watched some Disney cartoons and played make believe games.  I got to watch Rowan smile and laugh, and it made me genuinely smile again and think that just maybe things will someday be alright. 

Rowan was the apple of my father's eye.  Though my father struggled with colon cancer for two and a half years, his time on this earth was greatly lengthened by the hope and the love he had for Rowan.  Aimee went over and beyond any "reasonable" effort to travel to Indiana.  She traveled back to Indiana often so that Dad could spend time with his granddaughter.  Aimee just knew these things; her intuition about people was more precise than anyone I've ever known.  I still miss her terribly, but in Rowan's eye, I can finally see a spark that inspires hope in me again.

Misery loves company

"Misery loves company."

To me, that quote always meant that those who are miserable want those around them to be miserable as well. Kind of a "if I'm unhappy then you better be unhappy too" mindset. But over the past week I've applied a new meaning to this phrase.

People who are in misery want others around them to keep them company so they are a little less miserable.

At least that's what I've been going through. I'm naturally more introverted than extroverted. I want and need human contact, but only so much of it, thank you. Then I need alone time, and plenty of it. I could work in my office for hours at a time without talking to a soul, and be perfectly happy.

Not anymore. Now if I'm in my office for more than an hour without a conversation with someone, I get antsy. I've been bringing my lunch (both to save money and to use some of the amazing food people have been bringing us), but increasingly I'd rather go out and eat lunch with others.

I'm not sure how to navigate this yet, especially at home. At work I can talk to colleagues or meet other people for lunch/coffee. But at night, after Rowan goes to bed, that's the hard part sometimes. That's when Aimee and I would cuddle up on the couch and watch TV or talk or play games, and just be. Now I watch TV by myself, or surf the web, or, if I'm really ambitious, try to get some work done around the house like dishes or laundry. And I've been staying up ridiculously late so that when I do go to bed I crash within minutes. But the result is that most nights I get little more than four hours of sleep.

Like I said, I'm not sure how to navigate this yet, but I guess I have plenty of time to figure it out.

Things I miss

I miss Aimee. Specifically, there are some things I really miss.

I miss the way Aimee and I talked about our lives together.
I miss the way she used to scrunch up her face and look up at me and call me a toad.
I miss our inside jokes.
I miss that I will never get to take her to Paris like I promised.
I miss watching reruns of Scrubs together after Rowan had gone to bed.
I miss, ahem, "cuddle time".
I miss watching her play with and love on Rowan.
I miss family hugs, when she and Rowan and I would all hug together.
I miss how she teased me about being old, and I teased her about being short.
Or how I teased her about being a Discovery Channel geek and she teased me about attending professional events just to meet cute girls.
I miss how she almost never beat me at Scrabble, but she kept trying.
I miss how she always reassured me, supported me, respected me, and most of all loved me.
I miss Aimee.

Aimee's obituary, extended

This is a longer version of the obituary we ran for Aimee in this week's Sunday papers.

Aimee Mildred (Richmond) Rhoads passed away on Dec. 18, 2011. She was born on April 11, 1975 to Terrance and Donna Richmond of Milan, Indiana. An artistic and bright child, Aimee excelled both in her studies and in ballet, which she pursued in her mother’s ballet school. Aimee graduated Milan High School in 1993 and attended Vanderbilt University. Majoring in childhood development, Aimee began her preparations to be a family therapist and counselor. After graduating from Vanderbilt in 1997, Aimee moved to Tacoma, Washington to attend the University of Puget Sound for a Master’s program in Pastoral Counseling. Once graduating and becoming a licensed therapist, Aimee has helped hundreds of families and individuals work through their difficulties to find meaning and peace in their lives.

In 2003, Aimee met the love of her life, Patrick Rhoads. Pat and Aimee were married in 2006 and two years later, welcomed their daughter Rowan Rhoads into their family. While Aimee found success in academia and professional life, few would argue that Aimee’s greatest calling came as a loving mother to Rowan. Aimee’s patient kindness, love, and ceaseless attention to her daughter’s growth and development is rivaled only by her care for her father Terry Richmond while he battled colon cancer for two and a half years. Though Aimee’s life was cut tragically short, she joins Terry in heaven.

Aimee is survived by her loving husband, Pat Rhoads, and her 3 year-old daughter, Rowan of Federal Way. Aimee also leaves behind her mother Donna Richmond, also of Federal Way, and her brother Justin Richmond of Potomac, MD. More information on the tragedy that took Aimee’s life and how to help can be found at www.missingaimee.blogspot.com.

More on the wedding ring

So, as you know, I'm trying to find Aimee's wedding ring. Short story: it doesn't look good.

Aimee and I on our wedding night

Initially Caroline thought her clothes (and thus her ring) might be in the purse/backpack she had that day. I'm not sure where it had been kept during the dive excursion, but it had made it back to the house in Florida and I'd brought it home. So this morning I located it and practically tore it apart looking for the ring. No luck. And the clothes she'd been wearing weren't in it either.

I then called the Coast Guard investigator in Key West. Didn't reach him but left a message, letting him know what I was looking for. He called me back later (I missed the call), and he left a message stating that they had not recovered those clothes and did not have her ring. Last place for me to check was with Jacobs Aquatic Center (JAC), which is where the group had done their training (in the pool) before they'd gone out on the boat. I had hoped that Aimee might have put her clothes (and ring) in a locker there. However, I'd been in those locker rooms, and the lockers didn't come with locks, and Aimee wouldn't have had one, so I doubted she'd left her clothes there.

I call JAC and spoke to someone in the concessions stand. She told me that any lost valuables that were turned in (like a ring) would have been taken to the manager's office. He wasn't in, but she'd said she'd have him call me. She was also VERY sad about what happened, telling me multiple times how sorry she was for my loss (JAC does not appear to have played any role whatsoever in this incident).

I don't know if the manager will call me or not, but I'm nearly certain the ring isn't there. That leaves only a few other possibilities:
1. One of the other law enforcement agencies that were on scene (shore) somehow took possession of the clothes (seems far fetched, as they would likely have been out at sea where the boat went down, and to my knowledge the Coast Guard was the only one present when the boat was brought up).
2. Aimee left it somewhere at the vacation house and I never saw it, and thus it got left there. Since the owner never called to say an item was found, it either WASN'T found, or someone found it and kept it (second one seems unlikely, there's not even a diamond in it).
3. Aimee put it somewhere in our luggage before she left, and I haven't stumbled on it yet. However, I pretty much unpacked everything, and no ring.
4. It's sitting on the bottom of the ocean a few miles off the coast of Key Largo.

And I'm afraid number 4 is the most likely option.

The ring is missing

"Man, this ring feels weird on my finger."

That was the thought going through my head as I tried to fall asleep on my and Aimee's wedding night. It was the end of a VERY long (but fun!) day, and I was exhausted. Aimee crashed pretty quickly after we went to bed, but I lay awake as I tried to get used to how the wedding ring felt on my hand. It was as is I couldn't get my fingers to fit next to each other correctly anymore, and the odd sensation kept me awake.

For some reason, this memory came to me today. It's probably because I can't find Aimee's wedding ring, and I'd like to have it.

my wedding ring, in a rare moment off my finger

I'd forgotten all about it until last night. I'm not used to thinking about her ring - I've got my own to keep track of. But suddenly last night I realized that I didn't have it, and didn't know where it was. I spoke to someone at the funeral home that handled Aimee's cremation, but they indicated the only personal items released to them from the funeral home in Florida was her swimsuit and the wetsuit she'd been wearing. They called the funeral home in Florida that had taken possession of her remains from the Medical Examiner's Office, and they indicated that the clothes were all they'd received. They also indicated that the ME would have turned over all possessions, so that meant that Aimee didn't have the ring on when she was brought in.

I recalled that the last moment I saw Aimee - shortly before she got on the boat - she'd been wearing shorts and a shirt. That meant she'd changed out of her clothes and into her swimsuit at some point. My guess is that wherever her clothes are, her ring is also, probably in the pocket of those shorts. And those clothes are likely one of two places:

1. In a locker at Jacobs Aquatic Center in Key Largo, or
2. In the bags of items the Coast Guard collected off the boat and out of the water at the beginning of their investigation.

Number 2 is more likely, and I plan to call the Coast Guard tomorrow to see if in fact they have Aimee's clothes and if the ring is there. If they do, but the ring isn't there, there's only one more place it could likely be.

At the bottom of the ocean off of Key Largo, Florida.

I sincerely hope that isn't the case. I'd really like to have that ring back. I know it's a small thing. I mean, it's just a band of white gold (she'd asked for silver, but I told her that she should at least let me get her one that was white gold, since she'd already let me off the hook for a diamond). :) Engraved on the inside is our wedding date, 4-29-06, and the word "ONE", indicating what she and I had become once the marriage was final. Mine has the same engravings inside of it. Nothing big at all, but it is important.

And like I said, I'd really like to have it back.

Christmas without Aimee

The holidays are now past, but last night I was reflecting on what this last Christmas was like without Aimee in it.

Rowan opening presents

In the days leading up to Christmas, things were a blur. Aimee and I had done a little bit of shopping for Rowan before we left for Florida, but left most of it for the four days between our return and Christmas itself. With her death, that left it up to me to get Christmas ready while also planning the memorial.

I spoke with Donna, Justin and Caroline a few days before Christmas, and I candidly told them this: "I'd really like to have you there on Christmas morning when Rowan opens her presents, but only if we can keep the focus on her and the fun of the Christmas morning experience. If there's going to be a lot of tears about Aimee not being here, than please don't come over. I know we don't want to hide our grief, but for just a few hours I want Rowan to just have fun and not have such strong reminders about her mommy not being there. This is the second Christmas in a row in her young life that we mourn the loss of a family member, and I want to do everything I can to keep Christmas from becoming associated with grief and loss for her." I was relieved when all three of them agreed with me on this.

Sure enough, Christmas morning came and all three of them came to my house to watch Rowan open her presents. And as I hoped, Rowan had fun, very few tears were shed during that window, and in fact I think we all got some joy from Rowan's excitement. It helped that Rowan LOVED so many of her presents, especially the new scooter Justin and Caroline got her and the huge dollhouse Donna got her. Rowan's joy was worth the effort it took to maintain composure.

We all sat down and watched a movie after the presents, and then Aimee's family went back to Donna's house, leaving Rowan and I alone. Soon after, Rowan noticed a stocking still hanging by the fireplace that no one had pulled down.

It was Aimee's.

I had asked a good friend of hers to pick up a few things for Aimee's stocking, really for Rowan's benefit (I guess I was afraid that if Aimee's stocking stayed empty, that might upset Rowan, but she didn't even notice it until this moment). Anyway, Aimee's friend Nancy bought a few things that were actually related to things Aimee and Rowan did together (such as beads, which they used to make stuff with), plus a stuffed dragon, who I had put into the stocking so that his head was poking out of the top. She and I quietly opened up mommy's stocking together, and I explained that Santa left these small gifts as if they were FROM mommy to Rowan.

Christmas was really hard without Aimee, but I felt like everyone stepped up and gave Rowan the best Christmas possible under the circumstances. Aimee's family is taking this pretty hard, obviously, but they're handling it with incredible grace and strength. Christmas morning was a great example of that.

Two videos from Aimee's memorial

For those who were not able to attend, I am going to try to put as much of it in video form on this blog as possible.

The first two pieces I have are the two songs that were performed. The first one was Aimee's favorite hymn, "Come Thou Fount". Justin (Aimee's brother) mentioned during the memorial that when their father was dying of cancer the previous year, Aimee would sit in his room with him, hold his head and sing this song to him. She loved it, and it's no surprise she used it as a way to try and bring comfort to her father (who she's now reunited with). This is being performed by Joe Monto, the youth pastor at the church Aimee and I attend and an accomplished performer.

The second song is the one that my best friend Bart and I wrote and performed. As I mention in the video, it was finished at 11pm the night before the service, and I only had the chance to rehearse it three times in its final form. Hence, it's not the cleanest performance in the world. But I still feel like it honors Aimee and what she meant to me and how I feel now.

I do also have a copy of the tribute video of Aimee's life that was shown, but the file is way too large at this point. Once I find a way to shrink it I'll post it here.

One last date night

On December 14, the whole clan drove down to Key West from our vacation house just outside Key Largo. The weather was gorgeous and the drive went pretty smoothly. We took two cars (neither rental would fit all six of us), which later would turn out to be advantageous to Aimee and I.

After arriving and eating lunch, we split into two groups. Donna, Justin and Caroline went to the Hemingway House, while Aimee and I took Rowan to a little museum about the history of the wrecking industry on Key West and then to the Aquarium. Both places offered a cool experience.

The museum used actors to share information about the historical significance of wrecking and salvage of ships near the Keys. Above the museum was a tower than went quite a ways up, offering great views of the town and the water. Rowan had fun ringing a bell up there, and the really strong breeze up there only slightly dampened all of our enthusiasm.

Aimee & Rowan outside
Key West Aquarium Dec. 14

The aquarium stop started with an employee standing outside with a large turtle that Rowan could touch, and I took Rowan's and Aimee's picture with it. Inside we were part of a tour that included everyone getting to pet the tail of a shark, feed some of the fish, and a simulated tide pool with real sea creatures that you could pick up and hold. These includes conchs, starfish, and others. Rowan had a blast.

We finished our tour with a stop at an ice cream shop, while the other group grabbed some key lime pie, and then we rendezvoused. It was as we walked back to the cars that I had an idea...

Aimee & I on a date night in Key West, Dec 14

"Hey Rowan," I asked. "Do you want to ride back with mommy and I, or with uncle Justin and aunt Caroline?" To my delight, she chose Justin and Caroline. They agreed to look after Rowan until we got home so Aimee and I could stay and have some time alone. So everyone else went back in one car, and we stayed behind for an impromptu date night.

We went to a seafood place for drinks and appetizers. We followed that with souvenir shopping (and buying a bunch of delicious fudge to take back to everyone else). Finally, we walked along the water and our gazes alternated between the street performers and the sunset. In other words, it was the kind of carefree fun that came so easily to Aimee and I when we were out together. It was a perfect date night.

It was our last one.

Remembering Aimee's memorial

This was the photo used at
Aimee's memorial

As I sit here at home on the evening of New Year's Day, I have a lot to reflect about. This year, when people say "Happy New Year", it's honestly hard to feel like it will be, at least for some time. It was two weeks ago today that she died, and it's only now starting to really sink in.

Three days ago we held a memorial service for Aimee. Frankly, it was a beautiful tribute to a woman who gave so much of herself to others throughout her life. The senior pastor from our church, Kevin Day, did a fantastic opening and closing to the service. Three of her friends came up and read poetry or scripture reflecting their relationship with Aimee or things they knew to be important to her. The youth pastor from our church, Joe Monto, sang an amazing rendition of one of Aimee's favorite hymns, "Come Thou Fount". Aimee's mother Donna spoke very eloquently and sweetly about Aimee ("I am honored to be known as Aimee's mother"). Justin also very well about how Aimee impacted his life. And my speech about being married to Aimee was preceded by my best friend Bart and I performing "Aimee's Song", which we started writing (via email, since he lives in Phoenix and didn't arrive here until Tuesday night) on Christmas night and didn't finally finish tweaking until 11pm the night before the memorial. The service was capped by a beautiful video tribute to Aimee's life. Through everyone's words and the two songs, I truly feel like Aimee was honored, as was her faith in God and the assurance that she's now there in heaven with her earthly father and her Heavenly Father as well.

Up until I arrived at the church Thursday evening, planning the memorial hadn't really gotten to me. All of the looking at photos for the video, writing the song, making arrangements for speakers, video, etc, hadn't really hit me about WHY I was doing all of this. But when I got to the church and walked into the sanctuary, and there was a photo of Aimee's beautiful, smiling face on an easel with flowers, that was one of the times it really hit me why I was there and what I had really been planning.

We were there to pay tribute to my now deceased wife.

My God I love her, and I miss her. And so does Rowan.

As soon as I have video of any part of the service, I'll share it here. Until then, here are the words to "Aimee's Song":

Aimee’s Song 

Our life it was like a dream come true

Because it was fulfilled by you
But one day it went awry in such a flash
Now I’m seeing life through shards of broken glass 

It didn’t have to happen on the sea

The accident that claimed you needlessly
Now the hole within is far larger than life
I can’t get along without my wife

But we’ll meet again in the sunny place

And we’ll laugh, dance in an endless embrace
The wounds of loss healed and the joy returned
All memory lost of how my heart yearned
And we’ll meet again in the sunny place
Laugh and sing and gaze into space
The sorrow dissolves when I see you again
And we’ll be together with no end

Taken up to heaven and left me behind

I know someday I’ll be again by your side
Now I have our daughter and in her eyes I see
The magic and the love that you held for me

So now to honor what you meant to me

More like you is what I need to be
I’ll make you proud, I’ll make you smile
Until you meet me at that final mile

Then we’ll meet again in the sunny place

And we’ll laugh, dance in an endless embrace
The wounds of loss healed and the joy returned
All memory lost of how my heart yearned
And we’ll meet again in the sunny place
Laugh and sing and gaze into space
The sorrow dissolves when I see you again
And we’ll be together with no end

When I see you - When I see you again (It’ll be forever)

When I hear you - When I hear you again (It’ll be forever)
When I hold you - When I hold you again (It’ll be forever)
And I’ll never let go, I’ll never let go, I’ll never let go, I’ll never let go

When I see you again (It’ll be forever)

When I see you again (It’ll be forever)
When I see you again (It’ll be forever)