Thursday, April 26, 2012

What did Rowan just say?!?!

Well, Rowan has certainly been more open about Aimee lately. Today she hit me with a REALLY good one...

Rowan: "Mommy used to take me to a park inside." (She was talking about an indoor playground)
Me: "That was fun wasn't it? I know you loved spending time with mommy."
Rowan: "Yeah. I wish I had died when mommy did."
Me, floundering: "I'm glad you didn't, sweetheart. That would make me even more sad."
Rowan: "Yeah, but then when you died we'd all be in heaven, and we'd be a family again."
[Oh dear God...]
Me: "Sweetheart, we're still a family now. I know it's different without mommy here-"
Rowan: "Yeah."
 Me: "-but we're still a family nonetheless. You and I are a family, and mommy is still part of our family even if she's gone. Plus, we have other members of our family too; aunts and uncles and cousins and your grandmas."

She didn't seem really convinced.

Rowan & Aimee
The vast majority of the time, I don't carry a lot of anger about Aimee's death. Doesn't do any good, and doesn't hurt anyone but the person who's angry. I have enough crap in my life that I don't need to hurt myself with pointless anger towards people who will neither know or likely care how I feel. But THIS? My little just-turned-four-years-old girl should NOT be thinking that she'd wished she'd died when her mommy did or that we're not a family anymore. She should HAVE her mommy. Her mommy should be HERE. We should still BE the family we were five months ago. And Rowan feeling what she's feeling and expressing what she's expressing right now makes me VERY angry.

1 comment:

  1. Pat, my friend, I am at a loss for words on this one...... all i can sit here and think is that one is a hard one to swallow, it sounds like she understands more then she is letting on to......I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.