Birthday letter to Aimee

Hey sweetheart,
Happy Birthday, my love. I know you can't read this, but I wanted you to know that even though you aren't here to celebrate your birthday, we're going to do so in your honor. I have a feeling you won't mind.

Hey Hon, you remember this hike through
the snow outside of Leavenworth?

You know, even though you're no longer with us, I still want you to know how much you meant to me this past year. Your love for me and for Rowan was so great and so wonderful that you've continued making us better people even though you're no longer here in person. Your presence is felt in every parenting moment I have with Rowan and in all the times your mom needs support that she would have gotten from you. When I feel myself getting frustrated or losing patience, I try to imagine how it'd make you feel if I lost my patience with one of our/your loved ones. I always said you made me a better husband and father than I would've been on my own. Seems like you're still doing that, even now. And Rowan's reactions to some things, and the way she handles certain situations, that's got you written all over it too. You did a great job as a mom. I'll try my best to continue what you accomplished with her.

The last four months have been so hard, but the legacy you've left has kept me going, as well as many others, I'm sure. I know that sometimes you felt burned out and wondered if you made a lasting difference. Oh Love, you certainly did. More than you'll ever know.

I can't even begin to tell you how much I miss you. It's not more or less because it's your birthday, it's a great big hole in my life every day. When we married we became one, and losing you has been like having a huge chunk of my body ripped off, leaving the rest unsure how to continue. But so far, I'm managing. Not easily or happily, but managing nonetheless. Much of the strength I find comes from my love for Rowan and the knowledge that at three years of age, she needs me. I can't truly honor your memory if I don't do everything in my power for her, now can I? So I live for her until I can also find the strength to fully live for myself once again as well.

I love you Aimee, love you so much. I dream of you, imagine you're here, ache for you daily.

Not the happiest of birthday wishes, I know, and I'm sorry for that. But I wanted you to know unequivocally how much you meant to me, and I hope that on your birthday, that sentiment might bring you some happiness.

Happy Birthday, Aimee. I love you.

-Patrick

PS: I hope you're celebrating at the grandest all-you-can-eat-for-eternity sushi bar up there in heaven. :)