Monday, April 2, 2012

The vacation paradox

This week is Rowan's spring break, so I am taking the first three days off and we've gone to Seaside, Oregon for a little mini-vacation. It's our first 'vacation' of any sort since our trip to Florida last December. I've wanted to work on building good memories for Rowan and I, despite the sad feelings we struggle with every day. Seemed like a great idea. I picked the Oregon coast because it's beautiful, and I figured there's plenty to do that would help me amuse a three year old girl. After all:

There is an aquarium here, and Rowan really enjoyed the one in Key West. Plus, you can feed the sea lions here, just like you could feed the fish at the one in Key West. And they both have a 'touch tank' to play with some of the sea life.

Of course, there's also a beach, which Rowan enjoyed when we were in the Keys.

Rowan and I shortly before going to the
aquarium in Seaside
And Rowan's favorite activity, hands down, is playing in the hotel pool. Again, I knew this would be a win, since her favorite activity in Florida had been playing in the pool at the house we stayed in.

God only knows HOW I didn't see this coming.

I'm having a nice time with Rowan, but this trip has made me incredibly sad. So many activities are like dark, shadowy reflections of four months ago. When we left the aquarium, I was so sad it felt like a huge, lead weight I was being forced to carry. Rowan had had a blast feeding the seals, and I was glad for that. But some of my favorite photos from Florida are ones I took of Aimee and Rowan exploring stuff in the touch tank there, and doing the same thing here was just so damn hard.

Playing in the pool has been just as bad, and Rowan wants to do that CONSTANTLY. All I can think about is the fun we all had in the pool in Florida.

Of course, add onto this the fact that any fun activity with Rowan makes me miss Aimee. I keep feeling like Aimee should be here to share this with us, to see Rowan's fun and learning and joy. To steal secret smiles and jokes and kisses with me. To create memories that we'll talk about later and use to plan other fun family vacations.

I miss Aimee so much.  :(

1 comment:

  1. Pat, I hope you know that Aimee's spirit is with you and that she's definitely smiling down on you two in all these little moments. She's probably so filled with joy and love seeing you two able to embrace life after her death, and enjoy the things you once did with her. You made many happy memories together doing these exact things, and hopefully you can hold onto those moments instead of the sad ones as you enjoy this very special week with your Rowie Bear. She is with you now and always, just in a different form.