Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Two sides of the coin

My favorite season is summer, but autumn is a close second. I love the crisp air, the smells, the colors, and football season. I love Halloween and Thanksgiving, and the build-up to Christmas.

Although spring is typically thought of as the season of lovers, I've typically had more luck in the fall. A number of my relationships, including and especially my relationship with Aimee, have started as the leaves began to fall from the trees. I'm sure that's part of my love of this season - I have some really happy memories rooted in this time of the year.

Which makes this fall really, really weird for me.

I am pretty happy right now. All the trappings of autumn are here, and overall, the weather has remained pretty good, which only adds to my enjoyment of the season. I've even opened myself up to dating again, with some success that has added to my mood.

But I can't ignore where I'm going.

Aimee on Mt. Pilchuck, October
25, 2003
In nine days, I will (along with my best friend) climb a nearby mountain to scatter Aimee's ashes. Aimee and I hiked this mountain the day we met, and although I tried several times to get us free to hike it as a celebration of the anniversary of that sweet day, it never worked out. Now, on the ninth anniversary of that day, it'll finally happen. Only this time I'll be carrying Aimee's ashes up in a box instead of her walking up by my side.

And she won't be coming down with me. At the top of that mountain, I will say the goodbye that's been in my heart for the last ten months.

Every time I think about going up there and saying goodbye, I am hit with a huge wave of grief. I have worked steadily to process my grief and move on with the life I still have to live, but of course, the hole left by Aimee's death is too big to just cover up and move on from so easily. I loved her so, so much. She left so many wonderful marks on my life and how I live now that in many ways, I will always have her as part of me. And then of course there is our little girl.

After the hike, things will still be tough for some time. Memories of meeting for the Halloween cruise six days later. Our first official date (to Leavenworth, WA) two days after that. Thanksgivings together, including our first one where a cousin of mine hit on her during the family gathering. Fun memories.

And of course, December 18.

I love autumn, but this one is about to get difficult.


  1. Prayers and support headed your way.

  2. Thoughts and prayers are with you.

  3. Everyone grieves in different ways. For some, it could take longer or shorter. I do know it never disappears. An ember still smolders inside me. Most days, I don’t notice it, but, out of the blue, it’ll flare to life.

    1. Yes, I know that feeling. And it doesn't always happen when we lose someone to death, but sometimes after a difficult end to a relationship, at least in my experience. You'll think you've moved on and six months later some trigger will bring a lot of stuff back again.