Friday, July 13, 2012

My birthday

Warning: this post is a little raw. And a bit blunt. That's how I feel right now.

Tomorrow is my birthday. 42 years. That's how long I'll have been alive on Planet Earth. It's no small miracle I've made it this long.

I have some fun plans for the day, and that's good. But today, right now, I hurt. I miss Aimee. I'm terribly lonely. I feel so bad for Rowan, who also dearly misses her mommy. And we both seem to feel it worst at night.

Tonight Rowan and I are going to go to Donna's and having a little birthday dinner and cake. Then Donna is going to keep Rowan tonight and tomorrow so I can have the whole day to do what I want. And like I said, I have some fun plans. But after I leave Donna's house tonight and go home, I'll be there alone.

And I hate that.

I hate watching TV alone. I hate cleaning up the house alone, doing laundry alone, making lunches alone, And I sure as HELL hate going to bed alone.

That last one isn't just about sex, either, though trust me, I miss that. A LOT. It's when Aimee and I would sometimes just lie there and talk. Or hold each other. No matter what kind of day we'd had, holding each other at bedtime was always comforting and reassuring. And yes, I do also miss my and Aimee's sex life. Frankly, we had a great one.

A number of people close to me have asked me if I've started thinking about dating again. Hell yes, I've thought about it. Not because I have completely moved on from Aimee. How could I have already? No, I've thought about it because I miss so much the things she brought into my life.

Any ideas as to what my birthday wish might be?

PS: I didn't always hate living alone. I used to love it. I had a hard time coming around to marrying Aimee because I was enjoying my single life so much. I had my own space, answered to no one about how decorated it, what time I went to bed, what shows were on the TV. But I decided what I was gaining was worth more than what I was giving up. Wow, I had no idea how right that was.


  1. This didn't read blunt or raw to me, Pat. I thought it read "human" and expressed another passage in your life beautifully. Aimee would surely tell you how proud she is that you are able to share your feelings. One day Rowan will read these posts and have a good picture of what a good father, and man you are. Imelda

    1. Thanks Imelda. This just felt like a more personal, and shall I say, less 'refined' part of what I've been going through.