Tuesday, July 31, 2012

The calm between two storms

I'm in a period of relative calm right now. In fact, I feel almost happy.

It hit the weekend of the six month mark since Aimee's death, and it hit so suddenly I almost felt a physical change. I mean, I actually felt the sadness, like a weight, get dramatically less. And it's stayed that way ever since. At first I felt like I'd turned a corner, and that maybe I was in a new stage of recovery from the loss.
I feel better when it's sunny. What'll happen
this winter?
But maybe it's just a vacation.

In April and into early May, I faced a gauntlet of tough dates. Follow that through to the six month mark, and it was a hard road to walk. Then, with the passing of that marker and the beginning of summer (I always feel better when it's sunny), I suddenly felt better. But I don't think it's going to last.

Just as I faced a gauntlet of dates this past spring, so I face another in late fall into early winter. It looks like this:

  • October 25: The date Aimee and I met. It is on this date that I plan to scatter her ashes on Mt. Pilchuck, which we hiked on the day we met.
  • October 31: We met up on a singles Halloween cruise, and it was that night that we really hit it off. I asked her out for our first date that night.
  • November 2: Our first date.
  • Thanksgiving: It's hard to quickly define this one, except to say that it has to do with Terry's (Aimee's dad) last weeks alive. (He died December 19, 2010.)
  • December 18: The one-year anniversary of Aimee's death.
  • December 20: Leaving Florida without Aimee.
  • December 29: Aimee's memorial.

It's also possible that December 23 will be a tough day. Although Aimee and I never really marked that day as a couple, it is the anniversary of the day I proposed to her.

For now, I feel like I've been granted a bit of a reprieve. I still miss Aimee, and I still have tough moments, even times I still cry. And I'd even say those moments are still fairly frequent. But the overall feeling of grief is a lot less than it was.

I better enjoy it while it lasts.


  1. pat, the entire first year after the death of our beloved is (of course), by far the toughest... simply due to the "first" of every marked date or occurrence you once or ever shared, as you have mentioned; holidays, birthdays, special events. but please know and believe me, that once you're past the first anniversary of aimee's death, it will get a bit easier - although it may not seem like it now. it may seem very cliche, but time does indeed heal our wounds - not completely or forever, but to the point of experiencing "a life well-lived"!

    i believe (from your feelings shared here in this blog) that you're right on track and doing a great job. you never thought this would happen (nor could ever 'plan' for it), and it is a "learn as you go" endeavor, unique to each individual who is faced with the pain and heartache of losing their spouse and the grief that follows.

    try to allow yourself the grace to 'enjoy' yourself during those moments of peace. aimee would want you to LIVE your life... your best life - for rowan and yourself.


    1. I am trying to live my best life, and teach Rowan how to live hers. And I think we're succeeding. But I also don't want to be blind to what may lie ahead. There are still moments of grief and trial ahead that I have to deal with. It's a tricky balance.

  2. Just wanted you to know that Dec 23rd was a special day for Ron & I also. This Dec 23rd will be our 40th wedding anniversary.

    1. Wow, that is a significant marker, to be sure.