A few days ago I put in a CD I hadn't listened to in years: Depeche Mode's "Violator". It's a great album, which I used to love and knew beginning to end. As it played in my car and "Enjoy the Silence" came on (my favorite song off the CD), I cranked up the volume and sang along. It was fun, and for a few moments it was SO much fun I forgot about everything else (except watching where I was going, since I was hauling down the freeway at 70, er, um, 60 MPH). For a few brief minutes, I got caught up in the song, and I was almost transported to another time and place. A simpler time filled with things like classes and crushes and part-time jobs to pay for my junk food habit (which now takes a full time job to support).
I forgot about Aimee, and how much I missed her.
About two thirds of the way through the song, that fact hit me, and I felt terribly guilty. In that moment, I was torn. I KNOW I can't stay mired in grief forever. And I know and believe (I've talked about it here before) that life has joy left in it for me, hopefully a LOT of it. I will slowly move on with my life.
But after six months of grieving, and knowing that at some level, I will feel this for a LONG time, it felt weird and somehow wrong to feel those moments that were completely free of sadness.
I still miss Aimee a lot. I will for a long, long time. But I also know I need to learn to feel real happiness again, even if for now it's just in the memories and feelings brought up by cheesy 80's music.
For those who love this song as much as I do, here's my gift to you. Enjoy the music.
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ReplyDeleteI've felt similarly right after my dad died, especially those moments when our family was together, laughing and having fun. You described that torn feeling very well.
ReplyDeleteThanks for weighing in, Josh. I had a feeling that experince wasn't unique to me.
DeletePat as a very good friend of my told to me,
ReplyDeleteDon't cry because it's over, smile because it happend!!
:)
DeleteIt was six months after my mom died that I woke up one morning and heard the birds singing outside my window. I used to love lying in bed listening to the birds before I got up. I suddenly realized that I hadn't heard them for a while even though they were there the whole time. I was beginning to come out of the horrible grief-stricken few months following her passing. That was 10 years ago. I still miss her and occasionally find myself saying, "I need to call Mom and tell her!" Only to remember that she's still not there. So I smile and find someone else to tell. Don't think I'll ever get past her going home. But the birds singing gave me hope that one day I would find joy and peace again, even in despair. Just another sign of God taking care of me.
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful story! I so love your description of hearing the birds, and can relate to your realization that they'd been there all along, but how you hadn't heard them through your grief. Wow, thanks so much for sharing that.
Delete(LOVE this story!)
DeleteI think she would've LOVED you rockin' out to Depeche Mode... it'd bring a HUGE smile to her face - and she had a gorgeous smile! She would want you to feel JOY... and to have no guilt to experience it! Rock-On Dude... I mean Pat!! Blessings.
ReplyDeleteYes, she did have an incredible smile. And you're absolutely right that she would have wanted me to feel joy without guilt. In fact, I can't imagine anything that would make her happier than somehow knowing all of her loved ones were finding joy in our lives.
DeleteABSOLUTELY!
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