A few days ago I put in a CD I hadn't listened to in years: Depeche Mode's "Violator". It's a great album, which I used to love and knew beginning to end. As it played in my car and "Enjoy the Silence" came on (my favorite song off the CD), I cranked up the volume and sang along. It was fun, and for a few moments it was SO much fun I forgot about everything else (except watching where I was going, since I was hauling down the freeway at 70, er, um, 60 MPH). For a few brief minutes, I got caught up in the song, and I was almost transported to another time and place. A simpler time filled with things like classes and crushes and part-time jobs to pay for my junk food habit (which now takes a full time job to support).
I forgot about Aimee, and how much I missed her.
About two thirds of the way through the song, that fact hit me, and I felt terribly guilty. In that moment, I was torn. I KNOW I can't stay mired in grief forever. And I know and believe (I've talked about it here before) that life has joy left in it for me, hopefully a LOT of it. I will slowly move on with my life.
But after six months of grieving, and knowing that at some level, I will feel this for a LONG time, it felt weird and somehow wrong to feel those moments that were completely free of sadness.
I still miss Aimee a lot. I will for a long, long time. But I also know I need to learn to feel real happiness again, even if for now it's just in the memories and feelings brought up by cheesy 80's music.
For those who love this song as much as I do, here's my gift to you. Enjoy the music.