But these "family" gatherings are tough. Like birthday parties for Rowan's classmates. It's impossible for me not to notice other families, especially at a church like ours, where the majority (or so it seems) are two-parent families with a happy mom and a happy dad and happy kids. I certainly don't begrudge them. And the people in my church are among the most sincere and genuine people I've ever met, and so it's not some big sham. Which makes it harder. I'm surrounded by lots of happy (whole) families.It's really hard for me to see these families and not REALLY feel, down to my bones, that which I am missing. The hole in our family feels magnified significantly in these settings. My loneliness wells to the surface too, normally kept predominantly quiet until after Rowan goes to bed each night. In other words, it's depressing.
I'm seriously considering skipping it.
The things is, this is unlikely to change much until I start dating again. Other aspects of this loss will (hopefully, probably) get easier over time, but I don't think this one will as long as I'm single.
Oh, and one other thing. Unlike the last few years, when Aimee and I would trde off watching/playing with Rowan so the other could eat, relax, and spend time chatting with friends, I'm flying solo, which means ALL I will do is watch and play with Rowan. And I can do that in my air-conditioned house.
Church picnics are a great place to meet people too. Just sayin'. But only when you're ready. :)
ReplyDeleteTrue Steve. Though, as a mutual friend of ours once (accurately) told me, there are not a lot of single women in our church, especially past the age of attendance in the youth ministry.
Delete> And I can do that in my air-conditioned house.
ReplyDeleteha. But I bet you go... even as you struggle with obligation, duty, tradition.
The Purpose Driven Life's "It's not about me" never stops being a hard pill to swallow, but attendance does also show the church body that you're still in community, you're still a part. Maybe there are people there who have future tragedies to endure see you standing firm and it becomes something they draw from later. (Much like this blog.)
And then of course there's Rowan, her friends and church future.
If you will indulge me for a moment and let me focus on me for a second, the events you have gone through have of course made me consider what I would do in a similar situation. My first response is "Well, I'd go home and close all the blinds and never come out again. Probably change churches or stop going to church for awhile." Your response (and example) these past six months have been instrumental in making me see how wrong that attitude is for me to have and convinced me to change it. This post is a furthering of that because truth be told, as one of those "whole" families, I still try to get out of going to church picnics and gatherings.
James, I always truly love it when you post. You always have something wonderfully thoughtful to say.
DeleteYou make an excellent point about the need for community, and it reminds me that many of my fellow church members WANT to minister to me, but they can't if I don't let them. And being present is the first step in that.
Of course, given the events of the day, I probably should have skipped it. But I don't actually regret going.
Sam and I are happy to help with the trading off...even if it is the loan of Hannah to watch Rowan so you can visit. After years of trading off with very small children we understand how hard it is to even develop relationships of any kind beyond the very shallow. I hope you come and allow us to minister to you and Rowan in spite of the pain. Choose life, my friend.
ReplyDeleteWell... Obviously commenting now, at the ed of the day, alot has happened since you left this comment. Thanks for asking Hannah to watch Rowan for a bit, and for being an encourager during some seriously difficult trauma brought about by today's events. I sincerely appreciate it.
DeleteI'm glad that I could be helpful at all since I felt like such an *ss. I kept having the Jewish toast running thru my head. You know the one where they say "to life!" in Yiddish? They toast that way in spite of all the suffering as a people they have endured. My jewish friend once told me it is their defiance of the death that surrounds us. When death is distant it is easy to forget that we are surrounded by it. I pray and hope you will continue to choose life.
DeleteSam and I are happy to help with the trading off...even if it is the loan of Hannah to watch Rowan so you can visit. After years of trading off with very small children we understand how hard it is to even develop relationships of any kind beyond the very shallow. I hope you come and allow us to minister to you and Rowan in spite of the pain. Choose life, my friend.
ReplyDeleteDon't forget too that the Rowan you know, and your job in parenting her, will be changing so much pretty soon. Even now, she probably needs a lot less eagle-eye watching and playing-with than you think. I'm used to thinking about that too... who is on "kid duty" (and how that person doesn't get to have as much adult fun). My husband is a deacon at church, and often spends a lot of Sunday working as a deacon, and I'm on kid-duty. As such, Sundays are a lot of work and not much fun. (Although, I don't think the purpose in going is for us to have fun, and so we are committed to going to worship). Recently, I committed to taking photos of the church families before/after church for a new directory. My husband would be on kid duty more, and a friend said she'd help, but in reality, the kids have had a lot more free time without being watched at all. Today, they wanted to go up to a playground on the church grounds where there were some other kids. I made sure they knew where I'd be, and I reminded them about my expectations. To my surprise and delight, they played together up at the playground, without a direct supervisor for quite a while. Anyway, it's funny we we think we know our kids and how we interact with them, and it changes so quickly as they grow up... and happens sooner than we expect.
ReplyDeleteI think your problem is the challenge in any church. You are challenging your church family to change their thoughts about community, and it's good for them. I go to a church that is full of two-parent families, and I know it's hard when singles come, young people w/ no kids yet, or single-parent families. I know they feel a bit out of place, but I also know that EVERYONE is blessed when we all work figure it out and really be a church family. Families can all look different and that's a good thing.
I'm sure you're right about me being a bit over-protective. I've read too many news stories and get worried about someone snatching Rowan while my back is turned. It doesn't help that if Rowan isn't playing with me, she's ususaly playing by herself, so she doesn't have a 'buddy' to look out for her.
DeleteAs for my church, they're pretty supportive, but you know how it is. People go to functions like this to spend time with their families. Someone like me, spending the day chasing after Rowan and feeling pretty alone in the midst of a crowd, is simply not going to get noticed by anyone. They're enjoying a relaxing afternoon with spouse and kids, as they SHOULD be. It just makes it tough, though.
Pat, you have soldiered on through so much of this past seven+ months. You may decide today that an appearance, even for Rowan, is just not what you need. You will know what to do, and whatever it is, it will be the right thing. And we hope with you that there will be someone to share your life and join your family when you decide the time is right and when Providence puts her in your path. Much love. . .
ReplyDeleteThank you, dear friend. :)
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