I can not begin to tell you how many times I heard some version of this, especially the first few months. And pretty much every person who said it felt like what they were saying was almost bad, because it felt so inadequate. You want to know something? When you're standing face-to-face with someone you care about who's lost a dear loved one - spouse, parent, child, best friend, etc - there really aren't any words that are adequate. Words by themselves can't express the magnitude of our pain and grief, nor the pain our loved ones feel for us.But while I can't speak for everyone who's lived through this, let me just say that for me, saying you were sorry was enough. Words by themselves feel inadequate, but they are powerful, especially when they convey the emotions we feel. Does the phrase "I love you", by itself, truly and full express how you feel about the person you're saying it to? Of course not. When I tell my daughter I love her, those words don't explicitly mention the sacrifices I've made for her, gladly and willingly, or the sacrifices I will make in the future with equal willingness. Those words don't spell out the awe-inducing level of commitment I have to her well being, or the lengths I would go to in caring for her and protecting her. And yet we all understand that when I tell my daughter I love her, I am expressing all of that and more.
So when someone you care about is facing tragedy, do not hesitate to tell them how sorry you are for fear that your words are lacking.Words are lacking, and you can't help that. But letting someone know you share some measure of their pain by saying those words is far more powerful than the words themselves.
And for every single one of you who said, in some form or fashion, that you were sorry for my loss, thank you. I appreciate it very, very much.
Pat, those words don't explain the magnitude of grief we are feeling. But for the many of us who knew and loved Aimee know the grief, hurt, loss and pain you are feeling. When we say I love you, or I'm sorry, or something along those lines, we just truely don't understand how much those words do mean. You just never know if those will be the last words we utter to (a or the) person we are saying them to. We never truely understand what those words mean to the other person as they hear them. We all feel the pain and loss you are going thru. We are here for you. For you my friend are not alone.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this post. You put into words what I guess I knew was true on some level, but you know how sometimes seeing something spelled out .... well, it just somehow finishes forming a thought that was vague or unclarified in one's mind. This did that for me. In future I won't have to feel sorry for saying "I'm sorry" (not that you speak for everyone, but... I bet you speak for many). I know when my beloved pet died, it just felt good to know people were thinking of me and of him and for them to speak of him (vs. avoiding the whole topic for fear of saying the wrong thing).
ReplyDeleteThanks again.
You're welcome. For me, this experience also took away that fear of saying the wrong thing to others. I know not everyone feels the same way I do about this, but I'd rather take the chance that I can offer some comfort through empathy.
DeletePat, this moved me to tears. The helplessness in the face of overwhelming grief has paralyzed me often. To know that my words are helpful and appreciated gives me courage to keep sharing with others who grieve.
ReplyDeleteSo good to hear. And sometimes, just a hand on the shoulder can be a huge comfort. :)
DeletePat - it took me a very long time to understand the true meaning of "I'm sorry" in the event of loss for a loved one.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was 22, with a brand new baby daughter (4-1/2 months), my mother committed suicide. The pain was unimaginable, and every time someone declared that they were "sorry" for my loss, I in turn was indignant and flip; "You're sorry?! Yeh, right - you have NO idea what it is like to have your mother KILL HERSELF... just forget it" was my canned response. Looking back, I was speaking from a place of deep pain, and without thinking of how MY words may have sounded in the ears of others.
I was determined not to be the one to say "I'm sorry" to anyone facing the pain of loss. Instead, my usual response was "I am very saddened for your loss" (and I WAS sincere... I was truly sad for them - I could truly empathize). "Sorry" just somehow seemed... inadequate?
In the past 36 years, I have come to understand that people say "I'm sorry" because they don't really know what else to say - it's an awkward, but sincere response... an attempt to comfort. And I now know to accept their words graciously and lovingly - just as they are intended.
Thank you Pat for your words of affirmation - it may seem a bit 'odd' but I 'look forward' to reading your blog and seeing your progress.
Blessings, Z
Thanks Zelda. The first day or so I actualy struggled with the same feelings you described, a desire to tell people that, basically, shove it. They couldn't know how I felt. If I'd been younger, I might have gone that route. But being a little older and having been in their shoes, I knew the pain I had felt for others in their grief, and that I HAD been sorry, and that I had had no idea how to express that. In that realization, I realized their "I'm sorry" was all I needed to hear, because through it I felt their sympathy, shared pain, and love for me and/or Aimee.
DeleteThanks as always for your thoughts.
This is such an important post, Pat ~ thank you SO much for saying this! Your comparison with the meaning behind the simple statement, "I love you" is so right-on and makes perfect sense. It is so true that, really, when our beloved has died, there is nothing anyone can say that will give us what we truly want and need, which is to have that loved one back here and physically present with us once again. Words are so inadequate, especially when our grief is new and we are so raw and vulnerable ~ but receiving a sincere and heartfelt "I'm sorry" from someone who means well is so much better than hearing nothing at all.
ReplyDeleteOh Pat. You are so eloquent. You negotiate this mine field of grief with such grace. When my mother died, the statement of "sorry" really did seem to be the hardest word that folk had difficulty saying, but it would have meant the most to me at that time.
ReplyDeleteI wish I'd read such a thoughtful post a couple of weeks ago when a good friend of mine was newly diagnosed with breast cancer. I know it's rather comparing different circumstances, but I wanted to say to my friend how sorry I was that her life changed irrevocably on the day she got her diagnosis; that sense of a loss of innocence and a faith in her future. Instead we often minimize an individual grieving by comparing their situation to others - how futile. I think it's a far better gift to say how truly sorry we are for this new 'normal' rather than trying to compare their grief to anything else - which only leaves the bereaved feeling unheard. You continue to inspire - Aimee would be proud.
Pat,
ReplyDeleteYou are so right. In the thousands of times since my husband's death on March 2 that I've heard "I'm sorry" my response has been, "Me, too" I'm sorry too that Ron was killed, my 2 beloved dachshunds, Jules & Katie were killed and that our home & hometown were destroyed. Almost 40 years worth of "things" gone, but they are more than things when they are attached to memories both good & not so good. Rowan & Donna are so lucky to have you.
I hope some day to be as focused as you.
I'm just getting caught up on this, Pat. Very well written! Everyone is different in how they convey their feelings to others. It is nice to be surrounded by people who convey those feelings toward us when we're going through something tragic in our lives. And far be it from us to parse nuance in what they say. Just being there hearing it said IS enough sometimes. Sometimes it's all we got.
ReplyDelete