Is "I'm sorry" enough - another perpective

Last week when I published the post titled "Is saying 'I'm sorry' enough?", I got several comments, both on the blog and via social media, thanking me for what I said and with some people expressing their own agreement. But there were a couple of people who felt differently, and fairly strongly so. I reasoned that there may be more who felt this way, so I asked one of them, Laurie, if she'd be willing to write a guest post and share her perspective on this amtter. Here is what she had to say.

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Up until Pat wrote his article, Is saying "I'm sorry" enough?, I had never said anything to anyone on how much I dislike the phrase, “I’m sorry”. But given Pat has been through a similar situation as myself I couldn’t hold my tongue anymore. I explained in general how the phrase had become a pet peeve of mine. Pat mentioned many people were like him they found solace in “I’m sorry”. However my response was unique enough among those that he received he thought I might not be alone in this perspective and asked me to write on my perception.
 



Laurie with her father

For me when something tragic and unexpected occurs to someone you know there are a handful of ways you can react. Your reaction can be over the top dramatic, crying, and sobbing and carrying on, it can be stoic, or it can even be bewilderment. However, whatever your reaction is to the tragic news one of the worst things you can say in my book is say, “I’m sorry”. Why is it this little phrase bugs me so much?

This phrase bothers me because it has become the catch all phrase people use when they don’t know what to say but they think they should say something. This little phrase, “I’m sorry” is used regardless and constantly to console someone from the loss of a set of keys to a bad day at work. “I’m sorry” is said with the same casual civility one would use to say good morning, or hello. There is generally no thought or emotion behind it. “I’m sorry” has become a filler phrase.

A filler phrase that I heard at a constant rate immediately after my Dad drowned in a boating accident in 1997. After the first 50 times I heard it I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs. These people didn’t cause Dad’s death, why are they sorry? Did they capsize the boat? Did they make the river freezing that gave him hypothermia? No! So then why the hell are they sorry? I knew they were saying it because they didn’t know what to say to me or to my family but they felt they should say something.

Maybe for the rest of the family it was enough solace that people were sorry. For me I would have preferred people say nothing and pat my shoulder or give me a hug. Granted a hug from a stranger or acquaintance is rather odd. A hand shake and a kind word or antic dote about Dad would have been enough. For the most part many folks did just that, but many of the acquaintances that knew my family for decades but didn’t know me well fell into the “I’m sorry” category. So when you hear of some tragic event that befalls someone you know whether they are a good friend or an acquaintance take a few minutes before you respond. Whatever it is you choose to say make sure you are sincere and sometimes the cliché actions speak louder than words are never more apropos when tragedy strikes unexpectedly.