Tuesday, January 22, 2013

The end of Missing Aimee?

I started this blog on December 19, 2011, the day after Aimee's tragic death. At first it served two distinct purposes:

  1. Share information about what happened and what was happening to anyone who was interested, without me having to repeat myself constantly, and
  2. Give me a way to express what I was going through and feeling in a way that was helpful (therapeutic) to me.
As time went on and the readership of the blog seemed to take on a life of its own (over 82,000 page views of this blog to date), I realized I was connecting to people who didn't know Aimee or me, but who were finding something here that they needed. It has been an incredible honor to think I may have somehow helped other people in their dark times with my own pain. And that in itself was wonderfully therapeutic as well.

I haven't shared everything I've wanted to. Legal issues have kept me from writing about certain topics that I would have liked to have covered. Specifically, I wish I could have shared more about what I know and think I know about what happened on December 18 and what led up to it. I'd love to name parties involved, and talk about who I think should be held accountable, and why.

But I can't.

So with about thirteen months having passed since Aimee's death, I'm left with less and less to say that's new, or in my estimation, useful to anyone else. I continue to miss Aimee, sometimes with so much pain that I even now still cry (that has never gotten easier to admit publicly, but I try to keep this blog as honest as I can). Rowan still has, and probably always will have, pain and loss from the death of her mommy. It's a long journey for her, because as she grows and understands her world in different ways, she'll feel her loss in new and ever more painful ways. I believe there will always be a 'primal hole' in her life from now on. Nothing I or anyone else can ever do will fix that. She'll have to learn to live with it.

As for me, my own journey is changing. Dating and 'finding a new mommy' are part of the next phase of my life. I miss being married, and hope to have that magic again someday. And I would love to find someone with whom I can share life's joys and pains, as well as someone who can share in Rowan's accomplishments and milestones. I want someone in Rowan's life as a role model, and with whom we can model a healthy, happy relationship for her so she knows what she should be able to expect/demand when it's her turn.

I suppose I could write about the adventures of dating as a widower with a child. Possibly there might be some use in that for some readers navigating (or thinking about) that way themselves. But it doesn't feel right to me to share that type of stuff, especially as it involves another person. Dating should be private, so I think I'll keep it that way. I could also write about single parenting, but I suspect there are a great many blogs out there that do so already, and probably better than I could.

I do have two more posts I've been working on for a long, long time. They've both been extremely hard to write, and they're still not quite done. The topics are pretty raw, as are the emotions they bring out in me. But I hope to publish them both within the next week or so. After that...

I may continue to add posts from time to time as new information becomes available about events of December 18 that I can share. Or if new feelings, emotions, or other pitfalls come to me that I feel the need to share in this forum. But otherwise, I think the time has nearly come for me to begin to close this chapter.

Stay tuned for my last couple of posts...


  1. I can understand and respect whatever you want to do. I will say I began reading and cried reading your posts many months ago. And then in the fall I lost someone very dear to me and your blog helped me through my own grief, pain, and tears.

    I'm not sure the point of saying this as I'm not trying to pressure you to keep on writing but to point out how you have helped others.

    I would love to hear about your adventures as a single dad because although other blogs exist, no one writes it like you and no one has experience that you and Rowan have. Don't forget that you provide your own uniqueness to things and don't NOT do things because you see someone else is 'already doing it'. However even with that said I will still be a friend on FB of yours and get to see your awesome posts and pictures of adventures. So that is great and I hope you continue to do that even if it's not accompanied by a full on blog post.

  2. Pat, I respect your decision if you decide not to write anymore blog posts. But I would like to hear/read about your adventures as a single dad with Rowan. Would like to read about her adventures as she grows up. I am glad this blog helped you with some of your pain that you are going through. We will always be here for you and Rowan. You know as well as I do that Aimee was an amazing person with an amazing gift. She will forever be with you, Rowan, family and friends she left behind. From what I have read in your blogs Rowan is an amazing little lady. She is very lucky to have a dad like you.

    Your friend and Rowans friend
    forever. Eva

  3. Heather of WA StateJanuary 22, 2013 at 12:43 PM

    You are such a thoughtful writer, Pat. Your insights will be missed, if you indeed cease posting to this blog. Hopefully you will keep the blog online as a resource for others, but I also understand that you may want to take it down as Rowan gets older, so her story is not out there for peers to read. Regardless of what you do with this blog, I hope you back it up, and perhaps even print it out, so that Rowan will have a copy to read when she is older. It is filled with pain, but also love, truth, patience, compassion, and devotion.

    God bless you in your upcoming journeys.

  4. Well, quite obviously whatever you decide to do is fine. As with others, I would encourage you to consider continuing, understanding that posts may be fewer and farther between, and may take on a different character/nature. I agree that the dating thing should be private ... but I think you still might be able to talk about dating without talking about specific dates. And, in fact, that might be helpful for you as you start to potentially form new relationships. Yes, from what I have seen, this blog has been hlepful for a lot of people, and that's awesome. But I also think it has been great for you, and I'd guess that it's ability to be a support is not over. You could switch to a journal, but I think there is something different about putting your thoughts and emotions out there for the world. Also, you could offer an opportunity for others to reflect. This could be like some of the guest posts you did with Aimee's family, or allowing (moderated) other people to share their stories, as some may not be able or willing to commit to a full blog, but might love an outlet to provide one or two posts.

    Anyway, it has been great to continue to feel connected through the writing. Pray and reflect, and what is needed will happen.

  5. if you stop entirely, i think that you will be missed tremendously. for so many, just to read that "life goes on" (following an unthinkable tragedy and loss) has potential for a long-reaching positive impact. and i am sure others will want to 'know' what happened on 12/18/11... if and when you are ever able to share that. not having your posts will be like 'losing a friend'... you have kept the sweet spirit of aimee alive for so many. having said that, i understand that shutting down the blog brings a certain amount of closure for yourself, and allows you to move forward as well -- maybe a "new" blog, with a different purpose? after all, the many who knew aimee only at the onset of this blog, have grown to love you as well. whatever your decision, you and rowan will continue to be in the hearts and prayers of so many who loved aimee. thank you for your candor, your honesty, and pain with all of us. BLESSINGS!!

  6. Hi Pat, you don't know me. I knew Aimee, we went to church together when we were teenagers and roomed together in a youth conference, etc...I loved Aimee. We lost touch after high school, so I was thrilled that I found her on facebook not too long before her passing.
    I have been reading your blog, and have never commented because you don't know me. I just wanted to tell you that after reading all your blog posts and after time has passed that I think you are a wonderful father and I think reading your blog has helped many....many like me who have never commented, on dealing with all kinds of grief and losses in life. I don't know you, but I admire the tremendous, strong man that you are, and I know that Aimee will always be a part of you, as she will always be a part of all of us. But that you will find someone to love you and beautiful Rowan. My thoughts and prayers go out to you both always, and I will continue to look for posts on how you and Rowan are doing. May God bless you both.

    1. Thanks for the comment, Julie. And I'm sorry you never commented before - a LOT of those who do are people I didn't know before Aimee died. I really have enjoyed hearing from new people and seeing small glimpses into other parts of Aimee's life through others who've known her.

      Thanks so much for the kind words your wrote about me. Like most of us, I'm just doing the best I can.

  7. Hi, I've followed this since I found out what happened. As you know, our only connection is Steve, and in some ways I'm glad he didn't live to know of this tragic event. I'm glad you have posted your writings -- I am sure there are many people who have suffered losses and they will find comfort and guidance from your blog.