A few words about Rowan

One of the areas where I have had the most fear is in the arena of caring for Rowan through her own grief. I have NO idea how a three year old grieves the loss of her mother. I've got her seeing a therapist that specializes in childhood grief and trauma (and she's not cheap, either). But Rowan only sees her every other week, and I'm with her pretty much every day. I've been worried I might do or say the wrong thing, although after three months, I am starting to get a little more comfortable in navigating this with her.

Aimee and Rowan walking
and holding hands in Key West

But counseling or not, one thing is for sure: Rowan is starting to open up more. For most of these first few months, Rowan has not initiated conversation about Aimee hardly at all. If I've initiated a conversation on the topic, she'd respond, but not work to continue it. In fact, she'd been reluctant to talk about Aimee or her death too much, so I didn't push it. But that's starting to change.

Over the last week or so, she's starting shifting a lot. Several times now, Rowan has said, "I miss mommy." This is big because she used to never say that unprompted. Now she is. She's started talking about seeing mommy when she gets to heaven and "jumping onto mommy's cloud with her." Rowan has also talked about 'pulling mommy back down' from heaven so she could see mommy again. And then a couple of days ago, she pretended to do just that, and then asked me to pretend to be mommy so Rowan could talk to her. I obliged her, and it seemed to make her happy. (On a side note, I am used to pretending to be princes, kings, unicorns, pirates, mermaids, giants, Angry Birds and Piggies, and characters from any number of Nickelodeon Jr shows. But pretending to be Aimee was quite a stretch for me.)

Oh, and Rowan did the sweetest thing the other day. She saw a framed picture of the three of us (me, Rowan, and Aimee.) on a side table, and she walked over and kissed it. When I asked her what she was doing, she answered, "kissing mommy."

On the one hand, I'm happy to see Rowan progressing and starting to work through her loss outwardly. It's easier for me to discern what to do or say when Rowan's emotions are being manifested outwardly. On the other hand, it makes her sadness and grief more visible, which is heartbreaking for me to see. Seeing her tender, sweet little spirit so upset is wrenching for me, and it's hard not to get very angry that my little girl has to go through this. It is incredibly unfair that Aimee was taken from us.

And dammit, my little girl should not have to grow up without her amazing and incredible mother.