Crash

For most of the past few weeks, Rowan and I have been coasting along in our new routine. Up at about 6. Ready for school/work. Go to school, work. And so on and so forth. Weekends have more variety, but it's still all part of a larger patterned existence. And for the most part, both of us have been fine. Though I've been sad, I haven't had any real breakdowns, and neither has Rowan. In fact Rowan hasn't really talked much about Aimee at all, except a couple of times where she wanted to see pictures, and another two-day stretch were she asked me to tell her what happened three our four times.

Tonight was a good night for us. We ate dinner then went to the mall where they have a play area (free) I thought I'd use to wear her out a little (it failed to do so). We then came home and went through Rowan's bedtime routine. All went smoothly.

Then it fell apart.

After she'd been in bed for about a half hour, and I could hear her still awake, I went in to check on her. She asked me to snuggle her - not an entirely uncommon request. But it was what she said next that got me: "I'm really missing mommy." We talked about it for a few minutes and then she changed the subject, but I could tell this was weighing more heavily on her than usual. Part of me was glad to see her working through some of this, but I was sad for her also. I snuggled her, but that wasn't enough. She wanted to sleep in my room (normally off limits). I reluctantly agreed.

After getting her settled I came back down to the living room where I was paying bills and watching DVR'ed reruns of "Scrubs". It's a great show, if you've never seen it, and the last few months of Aimee's life watching these reruns together after Rowan went to bed was a part of our nightly ritual.

It's normally a very funny show, but some episodes have some very poignant content. In this particular one, a side character, much loved by one of the main characters, dies. After the death, this main character is in denial right up until after he arrives at the funeral, and then he's forced to face the fact that his friend is gone. (In fact, he's convinced himself he's actually going to his son's birthday party.) I'd seen the episode before, and I knew how it went. But for some reason when it reached that point where realization sets in, I simply lost it. I cried for longer and harder than I have at any point since Aimee's death.

In some ways, I actually felt some relief, because my grief to this point had not been so open, even though I'd wanted it to be. I had almost been feeling guilty for not being more emotional, especially as I watched Donna and Justin struggle so much with their grief. But it also opened my eyes to the fact that in a lot of ways, I am still just coming to terms with this loss, and I'm probably not nearly as far along in processing all of this as I'd thought.