I saw Aimee's legacy yesterday

Yesterday was the one year anniversary of the day Aimee died. While I muddled through the day, something amazing was happening, and I became slowly aware of it as the day passed. And even now, a day later, I am utterly blown away when I think of it.

Someone, I don't know who, apparently suggested to some of my and Aimee's circle of friends that a good way to honor Aimee on that day was to do random acts of kindness for others. Aimee was such a compassionate person, and that was apparent not only in her interpersonal interactions, but also in her desire to help everyone from the homeless, the mentally ill, and vulnerable women and children in developing countries. And with Aimee, desire to help never stopped at just a desire, but would one way or another translate into some kind of action.

That's what seemed to happen yesterday.

I'm sure I don't know all of what was done in Aimee's name yesterday, but I heard of a number of acts of kindness including donations made to charitable organizations, buying coffee or groceries for others, and giving up places in long lines. There were more that I heard about, and I'm sure others I didn't hear about.

It's a beautiful tribute to a beautiful spirit. I am absolutely certain that if Aimee were alive to see this all done in her honor, she would have cried tears of humble happiness to have known how her own life had made such an impression. I have to believe that somehow, up in heaven, she is being shown that the light she lived with here is living on in her impact on others.

And now, dear friends and readers, I ask you this: don't make it a one-and-done event.

My daughter LOVES her balloons!

Aimee was far from some crusader who spent every day in service to humanity. But she was a person who, when confronted with an opportunity to do good, embraced it. If her life is to truly make a lasting impact, I think all of us who knew her need to follow her example on an ongoing basis. It doesn't have to be anything huge, just small acts of kindness and compassion when the opportunities arise.

On a side note, big thanks to those who got Donna's email about sending balloons to my daughter and then did so. Thanks to you, she was thrilled by all of them and had had a great time playing in them. On the other hand, I have to figure out what to do with nearly 150 balloons which are now filling up my entire dining area and much of my living room. :)  It's a nice problem to have.

1 Year: Aimee's Tribute Video

Set to the music of two songs: "Angel", by Sarah McLachlan, and "Shiny Eyes", by Flatfoot 56. The first song was chosen as it was one Aimee really liked. The second one was used on her father's tribute video less than a year earlier, and Aimee's brother Justin thought it was fitting to use it again here.

Many thanks to Steve Bartlett for creating this video, and doing it for free on short notice.

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On today, the anniversary of the day that my beloved Aimee was released to be with the other angels back in heaven, I am spending it the following way:

• Dropping Rowan off at school
• Visiting with Pastor Kevin, the lead pastor from my church
• Spending much of the rest of the day in quiet reflection
• Meeting Rowan as she gets home from school
• Spending time with her (see below)
• Spending some time with friends, 'hitting the reset button' as Aimee used to say, doing something to get a reprieve after what I know will be a very tough day

I've spent a lot of time the last couple of months trying to determine what I want to do with Rowan to recognize this day. I wanted to find something that would be appropriate for Rowan to do at any age, and one that would not be geographically specific, so she could do it anywhere, no matter where she lives during her life. I also wanted whatever it was to become a tradition that she could observe for the rest of her life, or at least as long as she felt it necessary.

After considering and discarding many ideas, I finally settled on one I like: we're going to write a letter to mommy. She'll tell me what she wants to say, and I'll write it down. She also wants to draw pictures to go with it, which I think is sweet. I'll save all of them, and put them in her memory chest (a subject for another, soon to be written blog post) so that she'll be able to go back and read them any time she wants for the rest of her life.

Nightmare: The first week without Aimee

Continuing from my last post, this is the first week (actually, almost two weeks) after Aimee's death as summarized by my Facebook posts. It seems to be a more concise a clearer way to recall what was going on.

I shared this yesterday, but in case you missed it, I posted this the morning after Aimee's death:

Then, as the day wore on, I posted these:

As it turned out, one other person had been trapped and essentially 'died'; he was apparently unconscious and not breathing when he was pulled form the water. Efforts to revive him were successful. He was taken to a hospital in Miami, where I know he stayed for some time. As far as I know, he recovered from his physical injuries.

This blog was started the day after Aimee's death. To say it has been therapeutic would be a gross understatement.

If you're interest, the above post is here.

And this one is here.

The visit to the funeral home before heading to the airport in Miami may just be the closest thing to hell I'll ever experience (God willing). It's not that they did anything wrong - they were respectful, helpful, and sensitive. It's just that the last thing I ever wanted to be doing, EVER, but especially at the end of a great vacation, was making arrangements for my dead wife's body to be moved around. 

Then there was the trip home:

This trip was a nightmare. Our nerves were already raw. And while I love Donna, she can get on my nerves (you know, the ones that were so raw) sometimes. Combining little to no sleep for two days for either of us, delayed travel, long hours, a late night, and oh yeah, a dead loved one, well, it was bound to blow up. And it did.

I'm not proud of this, but the last of several arguments between Donna and I on the way home concluded with me telling her that if she wasn't careful, I'd cut her off from Rowan. That really, really hurt her, and I immediately felt like crap for saying it. I apologized, but the damage was done, and it took several days before she thawed out a bit and forgave me. Ridiculously, we'd been talking about how to raise Rowan, a ludicrous conversation to have been having at that point in time anyway. And Donna has been utterly amazing this past year, a true blessing to both Rowan and I. People, take note: don't try to even pretend to have a serious conversation when racked with grief and lacking sleep.

We got home well after midnight, where we were met by the pastor from my church, Kevin, and his wife Charlotte. We didn't need a ride or anything, they just felt like someone ought to be there for us, and met us there. It was an incredibly nice gesture.

Again, if you want to read this post, it's here. 

This was the first of two trips to the local funeral home, the second trip (and far longer one) being the next day - Christmas Eve. Christmas is by far my favorite holiday, but I will always remember having to spend hours at a funeral home on this Christmas Eve. But it had to be done. Had to get Aimee's body here from Florida, arrange for a viewing for Donna. After that, Aimee was to be cremated.

The moment described in this post is one of the most heart-wrenching moments I've ever had. It talks about how, when we got home from the airport, Rowan saw Aimee's car in the driveway and for the briefest moment thought Aimee was at home. 

After the funeral home visit on Christmas Eve, I went home,picked up Rowan, and took her to see Santa. This smile belies how nervous and ill at ease she was. Took six attempts before we got a usable photo.

As you can see from this last post, the day of Aimee's memorial got off to a terrible start. Rowan threw up about every hour to an hour and half all night. I got essentially no sleep. Rowan was sick all day. I was praying I wouldn't get it before the memorial (I didn't - I got it the next night, and not nearly as bad).

Then, had to get ready for the memorial...

As it turned out, the entire memorial went off without a hitch. If you want to read about it, you can find that in this post. The video of the song we performed, along with a great performance of Aimee's favorite hymn, "Come Thou Fount", can be found here.And I will post the tribute video tha came at the end of the service in my post tomorrow.

"Now begins life without her..."

Now begins life without her...

Now begins life without her...

Wow.

Two sides of the coin

My favorite season is summer, but autumn is a close second. I love the crisp air, the smells, the colors, and football season. I love Halloween and Thanksgiving, and the build-up to Christmas.

Although spring is typically thought of as the season of lovers, I've typically had more luck in the fall. A number of my relationships, including and especially my relationship with Aimee, have started as the leaves began to fall from the trees. I'm sure that's part of my love of this season - I have some really happy memories rooted in this time of the year.

Which makes this fall really, really weird for me.

I am pretty happy right now. All the trappings of autumn are here, and overall, the weather has remained pretty good, which only adds to my enjoyment of the season. I've even opened myself up to dating again, with some success that has added to my mood.

But I can't ignore where I'm going.

Aimee on Mt. Pilchuck, October
25, 2003

In nine days, I will (along with my best friend) climb a nearby mountain to scatter Aimee's ashes. Aimee and I hiked this mountain the day we met, and although I tried several times to get us free to hike it as a celebration of the anniversary of that sweet day, it never worked out. Now, on the ninth anniversary of that day, it'll finally happen. Only this time I'll be carrying Aimee's ashes up in a box instead of her walking up by my side.

And she won't be coming down with me. At the top of that mountain, I will say the goodbye that's been in my heart for the last ten months.

Every time I think about going up there and saying goodbye, I am hit with a huge wave of grief. I have worked steadily to process my grief and move on with the life I still have to live, but of course, the hole left by Aimee's death is too big to just cover up and move on from so easily. I loved her so, so much. She left so many wonderful marks on my life and how I live now that in many ways, I will always have her as part of me. And then of course there is our little girl.

After the hike, things will still be tough for some time. Memories of meeting for the Halloween cruise six days later. Our first official date (to Leavenworth, WA) two days after that. Thanksgivings together, including our first one where a cousin of mine hit on her during the family gathering. Fun memories.

And of course, December 18.

I love autumn, but this one is about to get difficult.

Dilemma - I'd like advice

OK, so I have this dilemma...

For whatever reason, I have been thinking a LOT about how I want to recognize the one-year anniversary of Aimee's death, even though it's still almost seven months away. I don't know why I have this preoccupation, but it's been going on for 5-6 weeks now. And I think I've settled on what I want to do, but I'm still having some doubts.

I think I want to go back to Florida, charter a boat to take me out to where Aimee died, and scatter some flowers out onto the water.

Now, the mere thought of setting foot in Florida makes me uncomfortable. Thinking of going back to The Keys makes me sick and nauseous beyond belief. And the idea of sitting in a boat in the water right where Aimee lost her life gives me a primal fear I can't even describe. And yet, this seems to be where my gut is leading me to go.

Initially I thought that if I took such a trip, I'd want to do it alone. But after thinking about it I realized that having family along (Aimee's and mine) wouldn't be a bad thing at all (if they wanted to be there). I sent everyone in the family an email a day or so ago, and a dialog on the subject has ensued (out of respect for their privacy I won't share what everyone's thoughts are, but the discussion has been VERY positive).

The bottom line is, I'm torn. I HATE the idea of going back there, but I have such a strong desire to do so. It's still a long ways away, so I know that no matter what I decide, I may very well feel very differently months from now. But since we're talking about mid-December, I'd rather make arrangements sooner rather than later before the costs of making the trip get too high.

Does anyone have any insight they'd like to offer?

Two videos from Aimee's memorial

For those who were not able to attend, I am going to try to put as much of it in video form on this blog as possible.

The first two pieces I have are the two songs that were performed. The first one was Aimee's favorite hymn, "Come Thou Fount". Justin (Aimee's brother) mentioned during the memorial that when their father was dying of cancer the previous year, Aimee would sit in his room with him, hold his head and sing this song to him. She loved it, and it's no surprise she used it as a way to try and bring comfort to her father (who she's now reunited with). This is being performed by Joe Monto, the youth pastor at the church Aimee and I attend and an accomplished performer.

The second song is the one that my best friend Bart and I wrote and performed. As I mention in the video, it was finished at 11pm the night before the service, and I only had the chance to rehearse it three times in its final form. Hence, it's not the cleanest performance in the world. But I still feel like it honors Aimee and what she meant to me and how I feel now.

I do also have a copy of the tribute video of Aimee's life that was shown, but the file is way too large at this point. Once I find a way to shrink it I'll post it here.

Remembering Aimee's memorial

This was the photo used at
Aimee's memorial

As I sit here at home on the evening of New Year's Day, I have a lot to reflect about. This year, when people say "Happy New Year", it's honestly hard to feel like it will be, at least for some time. It was two weeks ago today that she died, and it's only now starting to really sink in.

Three days ago we held a memorial service for Aimee. Frankly, it was a beautiful tribute to a woman who gave so much of herself to others throughout her life. The senior pastor from our church, Kevin Day, did a fantastic opening and closing to the service. Three of her friends came up and read poetry or scripture reflecting their relationship with Aimee or things they knew to be important to her. The youth pastor from our church, Joe Monto, sang an amazing rendition of one of Aimee's favorite hymns, "Come Thou Fount". Aimee's mother Donna spoke very eloquently and sweetly about Aimee ("I am honored to be known as Aimee's mother"). Justin also very well about how Aimee impacted his life. And my speech about being married to Aimee was preceded by my best friend Bart and I performing "Aimee's Song", which we started writing (via email, since he lives in Phoenix and didn't arrive here until Tuesday night) on Christmas night and didn't finally finish tweaking until 11pm the night before the memorial. The service was capped by a beautiful video tribute to Aimee's life. Through everyone's words and the two songs, I truly feel like Aimee was honored, as was her faith in God and the assurance that she's now there in heaven with her earthly father and her Heavenly Father as well.

Up until I arrived at the church Thursday evening, planning the memorial hadn't really gotten to me. All of the looking at photos for the video, writing the song, making arrangements for speakers, video, etc, hadn't really hit me about WHY I was doing all of this. But when I got to the church and walked into the sanctuary, and there was a photo of Aimee's beautiful, smiling face on an easel with flowers, that was one of the times it really hit me why I was there and what I had really been planning.

We were there to pay tribute to my now deceased wife.

My God I love her, and I miss her. And so does Rowan.

As soon as I have video of any part of the service, I'll share it here. Until then, here are the words to "Aimee's Song":

Aimee’s Song 

Our life it was like a dream come true

Because it was fulfilled by you
But one day it went awry in such a flash
Now I’m seeing life through shards of broken glass 

It didn’t have to happen on the sea

The accident that claimed you needlessly
Now the hole within is far larger than life
I can’t get along without my wife

But we’ll meet again in the sunny place

And we’ll laugh, dance in an endless embrace
The wounds of loss healed and the joy returned
All memory lost of how my heart yearned
And we’ll meet again in the sunny place
Laugh and sing and gaze into space
The sorrow dissolves when I see you again
And we’ll be together with no end

Taken up to heaven and left me behind

I know someday I’ll be again by your side
Now I have our daughter and in her eyes I see
The magic and the love that you held for me

So now to honor what you meant to me

More like you is what I need to be
I’ll make you proud, I’ll make you smile
Until you meet me at that final mile

Then we’ll meet again in the sunny place

And we’ll laugh, dance in an endless embrace
The wounds of loss healed and the joy returned
All memory lost of how my heart yearned
And we’ll meet again in the sunny place
Laugh and sing and gaze into space
The sorrow dissolves when I see you again
And we’ll be together with no end

When I see you - When I see you again (It’ll be forever)

When I hear you - When I hear you again (It’ll be forever)
When I hold you - When I hold you again (It’ll be forever)
And I’ll never let go, I’ll never let go, I’ll never let go, I’ll never let go

When I see you again (It’ll be forever)

When I see you again (It’ll be forever)
When I see you again (It’ll be forever)

Aimee's memorial, and ways to contribute

  If you've been following me on Facebook (or Aimee, who's page I've been updating), you probably know all of this info by now. But if not, here's some info on the memorial and ways you can contribute in leiu of flowers, if you so wish.

  We'll be holding a memorial service for Aimee at 7pm this Thursday, December 29 at Saint Luke's Luthera Church here in Federal Way, WA (515 S 312th St). Aimee had an office there as part of her work as a counselor with Lutheran Counseling Network, and she had a good relationship with the staff there.

  Between myself, Donna and Justin, we are asking that people who would like to do something in Aimee's honor consider one of the following two options in leiu of sending flowers:

• World Vision's Fund to help Sexually Exploited Children (link below). This is a cause Aimee cared a lot about, and we'd talked about supporting this cause recently. Many thanks to friends at World Vision for setting this up, Jane Henry in particular. http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/world-vision/rememberingaimeerhoads
   
• If you'd prefer instead to honor Aimee's love for Rowan by contributing to a college fund for Rowan, an account has been set up at Wells Fargo. Checks can be made out to "Rowan Rhoads College Fund" and mailed to Pat Rhoads, 2653 SW 333rd Place, Federal Way, WA 98023. Thanks to Aimee's brother Justin Richmond for setting this up.

  I know it's the holidays, and this is also pretty short notice for those who might consider travelling. I and the rest of Aimee's family are grateful to those who have expressed their support and love, whether or not circumstances allow them to attend the memorial in person. We have been told more times than we can count that we're being prayed for, and trust me, we can feel it. And we're grateful, truly. Thank all of you so, so much.

  Have a Merry and Blessed Christmas.